Heaven Day

Have I told you how grateful I am that God was with us every step of the way the day He took you home? It was July 10th, 2012. Daddy was working. Your brother was napping. For 3+ hours. He never does that... I'm so grateful he didn't have to see me crying over you or see me giving you CPR. I opened the door and heard your alarm beeping. I knew it couldn't be good. I did CPR on you with the help from the dispatcher. It was so hard. You looked so beautiful. Peaceful. Just like you were sleeping. Papa was the first person to respond. He banged on the door and I ran and unlocked it. It was such a relief to see his face. I gave you to him and he gave you to K, the best medic around according to Papa (and lots of others). You were rushed off in the ambulance. Papa took me straight to the hospital in the Fire car. B, a police officer, stayed with Cash until Nana could get home to pick him up. Papa drove me fast to the hospital and I called Daddy to tell him about what was happening. We got to the hospital and were led into the room where they were working on you. Everyone was staring at me. All I wanted to know was if you had made it or not. A fireman told Papa that it wasn't looking good. My heart sank. I was allowed into see you by Dr. P. Dr. P is not only my employer, but also my friend. I was allowed to talk to you. Rub your head... whisper in your ear... while they did everything they could to save you. Dr. P was the one who told me you were gone and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to tell me such terrible words. Dr. P wasn't supposed to be on call... The ER messed up and call her. Thank you, God. She helped me so much. When I was told you were gone, all I wanted to do was hold your little body one more time. I just sat there and snuggled you. I cried. I apologized for not hearing you... not hearing your alarm. Dr. P was sure to say this wasn't my fault. That she thought you passed away from SIDS. That I couldn't have done anything to prevent this from happening. It helped so much to hear that from a medical professional. She sat by my side and wept with me. I felt like she felt just an ounce of pain that I felt. Papa stayed by my side and cried with me, too. He was so sad. Great-Gma K came. It felt good having people who loved us there. To surround you. To have those who loved you- grieve with me. Nana came after she dropped off Cash at Joanna's. She was so, so, so sad. She cried hard with me. Grandma A and Grandpa B came. They were so sad, too. Everyone was heartbroken you were gone. Everyone IS heartbroken you are gone. Auntie Jo came. She was crying, too. Pastor Craig came and prayed for you and for our family. Cynthia from church came. This entire time I held you tight. I played with your hair. I kissed you. I cried over you. I thanked Jesus for you. Dr. P gave us lot of warm blankets so you didn't have to be cold. Daddy finally came. He took off his shirt and held you tight. He cried so hard. He was so sad. He is so great. He has never blamed me. Never once made me feel like this was my fault. I took another turn to hold you. You were starting to get stiff... not like Jovi. This made me very sad. It was getting to hard to hold you now as the realization was hitting that you were gone. You weren't just sleeping. You weren't going to wake up. A L&D nurse came down and did handprints and footprints for us. That way we will always have that piece of you. I'm so thankful for that and for Dr. P suggesting that. Daddy held you again. We, then, kissed your sweet forehead for the last time and handed you off to Dr P. We went home. She stayed and rocked you for hours so you didn't have to be left alone. She snuggled you. She stayed so we didn't have to leave you with a stranger. She made the transition of leaving you in the hospital easier. I can't imagine if I would have had to leave you with a stranger. Or in a cold room by yourself. God really provided everyone for us. To love us. To lift us up in prayer. It was such a terrible day. The worst day of my life. But, God provided. He always does. God is good. Let me say that again, God is good. God is very good. I hope you are having fun with Him in heaven. I can't wait to hear all about it.

Our last picture of you. Taken July 9th, 2012