Sweet Jovi

Jovi baby,

Tonight I sit here thinking about the person I've become because of you. I can't believe what you've done for me. All my babies are amazing blessings, but, you little lady, are something special. You are one of a kind.

You taught me so many things while you were here. You taught me so many lessons while you were still in my arms. It was times that you were here that you started to make me strong. You taught me that I can do so much on my own and you started building strength in my core. You've since continued to teach me strength in your death. More strength than I really ever wanted to know, but you have. You are amazing, baby.

You taught me life isn't perfect. Before you, I used to think everything was perfect and if it wasn't, I would never say. If money was tight or if you daddy and I were in an argument or if I got a ticket... I would never say those things... because it wasn't perfect. You taught me life isn't perfect and that's okay. Despite striving and doing everything in your power to do something, it sometimes doesn't work. And it isn't my fault. Sometimes, life is just entirely shitty and imperfect, and it's no ones fault. Do you remember when your brother knocked you over in your carseat in the cart at the store? One of my favorite memories of you now with you and your brother... but at the time, I was so embarrassed! But, life is imperfect. I am imperfect. When you died, I really realized how unfair, imperfect, and awful life can really be. And, I survived. I became more okay with imperfection.

Which leads me to being vulnerable. Never did I share emotion. Never did I show if I was sad or hurting or mad. You taught me emotions are okay; you taught me emotions are good. It's okay to share my struggles. It's okay to admit defeat. It's okay to have a shitty day. It's okay to be depressed. It's okay to feel fear and be terrified. You've taught me to be real. Vulnerable. Real. Share who I am with the world and not be afraid of how it responds. Do you see how remarkable you are?

Most importantly , you saved my soul. You made me love Jesus more than I ever realized possible. You made me strive to live for Him. You made me see Him in my everyday life. You brought Him into our home in so, so many ways. I could never say thank you enough for this. You, my dear, are the beyond incredible.

You continue to change me and impact me. You continue to do good. While I wish every day that you were still here, I see the impact you have made in your short life. I see you continuing to do good. I see God continuing to make the best out of the sheer awfulness of your absence. You are so good. God is so good.

You  are missed every second of the day. Your sister is starting to walk and I can only think of the best of friends you would be. You are an amazing big sister and I promise to keep you alive in our home, in your sister and your brother's lives. Your brother still talks about you. And how he misses you.

Will you visit me in a dream soon? I'm missing you so much. I'd love to snuggle you even just for a moment. You are remarkable and I continue to be blown away by the impact you've made in my life and of so many around me. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

Love,
Mommy