Hate

I don't get America. 

A black man is killed and riots pursue. People around the country band together to protest and chant #blacklivesmatter. But, when mom is accidentally shot by her two-year-old son, she deserved to die. I don't understand. 

I believe in love. 

I believe in Jesus. 

I believe in His simple, yet profoundly powerful statement about all we need to do is love Him and love each other. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31 NIV). There is nothing greater. Nothing better. Nothing more rewarding. Jesus simply stated the greatest commandments and those were the two of upmost importance. So, where is the the love, America? 

We are all so quick to judge. So quick to hate so quick to respond to violence with violence. 

When you feel your entire race has been wronged? You light fire to buildings. 

When a smoker gets the tragic news of lung cancer, he deserved it. 

When man is killed for taking another life, he got what he deserved.  

All people deserve life. No one deserves to die. We weren't taught that people deserve death and life in hell. We were taught to live a good life. A life filled with loving your neighbor as yourself and not passing judgement. Do I believe in punishment, yes. But, I don't believe that it's our job as these peoples' "neighbors" to cast out our own judgement and our own punishments when most times, we don't even know the entire story. 

I don't understand the quick to judge and quick to think we know what someone else deserves especially when it comes to taking someone's life. It's not our job. 

Jesus loves the policeman, the murderer, the priest, the nurse. He loves the pastor, the baby, the runner and the rapist. Jesus adores the felon, the bereaved, the terrorist, and the firefighter. He loves the mother, the doctor, the pilot, and the abuser. He loves the drug addict, the garbage man, the alcoholic, and the grandparent. Jesus loves all. As should we because #alllivesmatter. 

It's simple. 

Love Jesus. Love each other. 

It's Not God

I posted last month about the over use of phrases about "it's in God's plan" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I've been thinking on this for months. Seeking answers and looking deeply into the God I love and the God who loves me. It boggles my mind that this God I have a relationship with would hurt me or cause me immense suffering, just to learn a lesson. And, then, it dawned on me even more that I don't think God is the cause of suffering. 

It started with God's plan. We aren't puppets. We have free will, but God has a plan for this world. God has a plan for me and my life. I believe God's plan is good and loving and full. God has an ending to this world's story and He is taking us all and using us all as part of His story. I believe that. But, I don't believe that He inflicts pain and suffering on us to better us or better others. To teach us a lesson or to teach someone else a lesson. 

We live in a broken world. Thank you, Adam and Eve, for creating a world with pain and destruction. Suffering not caused by God. God hates destruction. I can only imagine the pain and tears that suffering bring His loving heart. He despises it. So, why, then would He create it? All for a lesson? All because we need to be punished? 

I can't  imagine my loving God inflicting a single mom with Stage 4 cancer. I can't  my loving God giving a baby a tumor in utero. I can't imagine my God damning someone to be raped. I can't imagine Him taking a baby from his mother.  It doesn't make sense. I believe He wept when these things happened. His heart was heavy with sorrow. I can't imagine Him using these things for punishment. 

I think He comes in. And the bad, the destruction, Satan... They all try to deviate from His plan. But, He is bigger than anything. God is bigger than death. He is bigger than destruction. He is bigger than pain. Bigger than suffering. So much bigger than Satan. He comes in and He wraps the victim in love. And because He is bigger, He makes that shitty event for the better for those who love Him. He surrounds us with comfort and love and peace. And He has the sole power to turn that so awful event into something good. Only He can make it better because He is so good. 

I don't believe He took my baby. I believe He wept with me on the day my baby died. I don't believe I was punished. I don't believe Jovi was given a life of just  16 weeks. I believe that His heart was heavy when she passed and He worked His works to create her death for the good. To bring us back to His story. To get us back on track to loving Him and loving one another. 

I don't think suffering is in God's plan for us. He sent His Son to suffer for us. 

My God is bigger than suffering. Bigger than pain. Bigger than destruction. 

My God makes all things good. 

When Your World is Rocked

This post has been weighing on my heart since a local mom was just diagnosed with cancer. My heart hurts for her and is heavy knowing vaguely how it feels. I can't relate on the diagnosis, but I know what it's like and how it feels when your entire world is turned upside down. And suddenly your life is not normal and it's terrifying. I remember all too well how it feels to feel like you are drowning and how your chest feels so heavy you can barely breathe. I remember wanting to so badly to wake up from that nightmare. 

I remember the terrible things people would say to me. Telling me Jovi was too perfect for this earth. Or that God needed another angel. I remember them telling me that everything happens for a reason or that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I remember being told God gives and God takes away. It was all so insensitive. And so rude. And so cold. And I can hear the people telling her these insanely insensitive things and I want to apologize for them. I want to hug her and tell her that God does love her. And that sometimes life is insanely shitty. And that sometimes it isn't God. That I don't think God gave her cancer. I heard on a show recently (Call the Midwife) in response to someone asking where God was in a tragic death and the response was so clear and so loving and so true. It's hit my heart and I can't stop thinking about how it made me feel so incredibly loved and answered my longing question as to where God was when Jovi died. God isn't in the event. God is in the response to the event. He's in the love and care shown after. This rings so true in me. I, often, say that I truly felt God's immense love on the day Jovi died. He was there and He gave me everyone I needed. He didn't take my baby. But, He made it as good as He could. 

I want to tell her how people will ignore her. And avoid her because they don't know what to say. How she will suddenly be ignored and be made to feel like she did something wrong. I remember getting the nerve to finally venture to the grocery store and how people would see me and literally go the other way. So unloving. So hurtful. Again. So cold. I want to remind her that people just don't know what to say. They will try but fail miserably. I tried so hard to have grace but it would get so hard hearing how Jovi's death was like when their dog, Oliver, died. 

But, I want to tell her that with all those who are cold and mean and unloving, they'll be more than she can count who will wrap her in love. Wrap her in prayer. Wrap her in gifts. In help with easing financial stress and to help her with her precious boy and bring her yummy food. The community she lives in is (mostly) incredible and she's going to be blown away and left speechless by the love. And I want to remind her that that is where God is. Because I remember the immense struggle where He was when my baby died. But, He was right there. He was wrapping me in love and I didn't even know. 

Please be praying for a special mommy tonight and her sweet family. For her friends and family. And, also, for wisdom

for all those around her. 

3rd Time Walking

Today we were able to honor and remember Jovi and all other local babies lost to SIDS. 

I can't believe it's the third year now that I've had to go and be a part of this crappy group. I really slacked this year and didn't help at all with the run. I just couldn't and just didn't want to be a part of the group this year. Sometimes it's just way too hard. 

Again- I'm amazed by the attendance and the people who continue to come and honor my baby. The people who come and continue to support my family. 

A huge thank you to my fire family. I know I'm not technically part of it, but you all know who you are and you continue to amaze me with your kindness. You continue to amaze me with your support and that you all remember Jovi. Many of you are on the board of the foundation, volunteer, come to the run every yeasr... You all know who you are and mean more to me than I could ever say. I've gained many real and true friendships from you girls. Thank you. 

Thank you to some of my good friends. Those of you who came from miles away, those of you who came before a wedding, those of you who put in countless hours on the foundation and the run, those of you who continue to come and run every single year. It means so much to me to see your faces. 

Thank you to new friends who shared in their first run and for taking time out of your busy lives for my baby girl. 

I'm continued to be amazed by the impact Jovi has left. She is a remarkable baby. I know she was with us today and smiling at all of you who came just for her. 

Jovi- I'll continue to remember you every single day. I'll continue to be impacted by you every single day. I'll continue to love you every single day. While I like that I have an incredible support system, I wish you were here. I wish I didn't have to have a support system. I wish you were here to snuggle on the couch with, to read stories to, to do your hair, to wrestle you, to tell you "no", to hear your talk, to feed you breakfast, to hear you say mama and I love you...

I love you to Heaven and back. I'll never forget you, little lady. 

Love, Mommy

Loved.

Today I was thinking about you. And who you would be. 

I was thinking about the day I get to see you again. What an amazing day it will be. I wonder who you'll be then and how you'll look. 

I think of you, your sweet voice, your precious face, and the impact you've left on my heart so many times throughout my day. The tiniest things remind me of you. 

You are cherished. You are loved. 

You are missed every second of every day. 

 Come visit me soon?

I love you to Heaven and back, Jovi Sloan. 

I have died everyday waiting for you. 

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years. 

I'll love you for a thousand more. 

"A Thousand Years" Christena Perri

Cash E.

When did you get so big?!

You continue to make us laugh all day, every day. 

I could never tell you or explain to you his you kept me going in my darkest of days.

I'm so thankful you are our son. And that God gave me you. 

You are in kindergarten! You just finished your first week and seemed to love it. 

You make us proud. 

We are so thankful for you!

LJ

The amount of laughter, love and pure joy this girl brings our lives is unreal. 

Losing a baby makes you treasure and cherish everything. Even the very smallest of things. 

You, LJ, are full of life. 

We are so thankful for you. 

To My Younger Self

A friend posted on Facebook what we would write to ourselves now when we were younger. It really got me thinking. And made me realize how different my life has turned out. 

My biggest thing I would stress 'young' self is this- your life is going to turn out entirely different than you could ever imagine. Some really incredible, wonderful, amazing things will happen. Chapters of your life are going to be filled with joy, filled with laughter, filled with love, and filled full of wonder. But, with those good incredible chapters, your life will be filled with sadness, despair, tragic turns and events you won't see coming. You will fall. You will be knocked down. You will struggle and feel like you are drowning. 

But, you will always get up. You will keep smiling. After those really terrible chapters, light starts coming again. Laughter finds it's way back in. You will find joy and peace again. 

Despite the bad, you still will have a good life. You have been blessed. Very blessed. You will cherish and appreciate the smallest things. 

God is good. 

You need to own your life. You need to own it all- even the very bad chapters.

Today

Today I miss you more than yesterday. 

I miss the way you exercised in the bath. 

I miss your sweet little voice. 

I miss the way you always cried in the car. 

I miss waking you up just because I missed you. 

I miss kissing you. 

I missed you sitting. 

I missed you walking. 

I missed you saying mama. 

I missed you becoming you. 

I missed you swimming. 

I missed you going to school. 

I missed you in a dance recital. 

I missed you going to prom. 

I missed you graduating. 

I missed you getting married. 

I missed you having babies. 

I love you more than ever. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. 

I love you to Heaven and back, little lady. 

Love, 

Mommy 

Tired Momma

Dear Tired Momma, 

I see it in your eyes. The struggle and the look of desperation. The thing about motherhood is it's insanely difficult. And no one tells you it is. Everyone says it's so dreamy. And you love your baby more than anything. And you are going to just love being a mommy. While this is true, motherhood is hard. It's trying and somedays it's incredibly difficult and you hate it. And that's okay. 

You see, Tired Momma, no one tells you that your little miracle baby may not sleep for months. Months they will cry and you will be running on very low hours of sleep. You'll be expected to function. Expected to keep the house clean. Expected to have well dressed kids. Expected to lose all the baby weight. Expected to feed your baby all organic food all the while you are expected to make the said organic good all the while you are expected to keep the landfills from overfilling by using cloth diapers. Being a mom is hard, hard work. 

You see, tired momma, you will have days where your baby cries and you accidentally turn off the baby monitor in a zombie-like state. Only to wake up in the morning and realize what you did. You never went in. You feel so terrible. But, it's okay, tired momma. Baby is okay. 

You see, momma, you will have days where you feed your toddler Mac and cheese (Kraft, even, not the organic stuff) complete with no veggies or fruit. You'll feel entirely guilty that you don't have a "balanced" meal. And you know what? It's okay. Your toddler will be okay on a meal of boxed food. 

You see, momma, there are days where you will allow your preschooler to watch too much screen time because the sound of their voice and their never-ending stories are starting to make you cringe. And. Again. It's okay, momma. Tomorrow will be a better and new day. 

The thing is, momma, is too many of us put guilt on ourselves to be perfect. And that just isn't possible. Striving to be something that isn't possible. 

You need to think about yourself, momma. And if the occasional meal without organic fruits and veggies helps your sanity- it's worth it. 

If you let your child(ren) watch too much tv one day because you just can't handle doing dozens of Pinterest crafts with your kid(s)... Or you just can't handle anymore talking about the neighbor kid's bike... Do it. It's okay. It's worth your sanity. 

If baby was up all night with a cold and you eat 7 pancakes instead of going for that jog... You know what? It's okay. 

At the end of the day, your babies will never remember if they had balanced meals. They won't remember the occasional day they were allowed to watch tv all day (heck, they will probably love it), or if they had to cry themselves to sleep one night because of an occasional monitor mishap. 

You child feels loved. They know they are loved. That is what is important. They don't care about minutes of screen time. They don't judge you for feeding them a plate filled with orange food, and they don't judge you for eating an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's after dinner. 

These little love-sucking monsters love you for you. You are their world. You keep them safe. You keep them fed. You are their hero. The person who instantly makes boo-boo's feel better. The person who showers them with kisses. The one who is there to encourage them to eat their dinner with a spoon, to love their sister, and to ride a bike without training wheels. 

You are doing an incredible job, momma. 

LJ is Admitted

Little Lila spent six total days in the hospital this month. We "celebrated" the 4th of July in the hospital. We missed out on Parker's Place (a camp for families who have lost a child), and we faced a lot

of fears. She was discharged just two days before Jovi's anniversary. Stressful? Very. But, did create a distraction even if it was a very bad distraction. 

Lila had been sick off and on for awhile with a lingering cough. I'd taken her in numerous times and she even was on antibiotics just 2 weeks before admit. LJ got really sick on Tuesday. Fever of 102. Lethargic. No appetite. Threw up once. I assumed that she had the barfs. I was prepared for a long night with a barfing kiddo. She slept all night. Woke up at 4 am with a 103 fever. She was sounding pretty junky and really lethargic. I was reading stuff online (good ole trust google) and really thought she could have pneumonia. All the signs were everything she had had recently... 

She was seen at peds office. We went for an X-ray and lab work. X-ray showed left lower lobe pneumonia. Labs came back looking ok but not bad/not great. Decided to admit her (I think started mainly because of our crappy history). 

By the time we got to the hospital, she wouldn't lift up her head and had a fever of 105. This was the scariest moment. She was so sick and I was so thankful to be where someone else could "save her". 

I didn't realize how scared I was until we finally came home. And I could finally process how crappy that week was and how terrified I was of losing her. After all, it seems much more probable for someone to die from pneumonia than  nothing at all. 

She was on oxygen and iv antibiotics. We slept together one bed which was sweet at first since we aren't a cosleeping family. But, as she slowly got better, it got harder to keep her entertained and to drift off to sleep. She ate her weight in crackers. Learned how to make the bed go up and down. Got numerous new toys (thank you everyone). Gave me forty kisses before falling asleep... She really did so well for being strapped down in a bed for so long. I was very proud of her. 

We were so blessed and had some great nurses. My good friend was one of our nurses for half of our stay. She's a Godsend. Really. And the other, was so funny and been on the peds floor for a very long time. I briefly knew her as well. We were so lucky to have them and our favorite pediatrician to help us (mainly me) through such a hard time and help LJ get better. 

She's continuing to do very well. And seems to feel much better. I'm praying she will be able to keep bugs away for awhile. She's such a joy. She's so happy and I'm so, SO thankful she's still here in my arms. 

Two Years

Jovi Sloan, 

How has it been two years since I've held

you? How has it been two years since I've snuggled you? How has it been two years since I've kissed your sweet cheeks or ran my fingers through your chimpanzee hair? 

It seems like yesterday that you were here and, at the same time, seems like eons that I've held you. I don't understand time and still struggle with the fact that time continues to move forward even though you are no longer here. 

I think of you so much during the day and I don't get how it's no longer "just yesterday" that you died. 

I will never forget you. 

I will continue to keep your name and memory alive in our home. 

I will forever strive to be better because of you. 

I will continue to dream of the day we are reunited and get to live together FOREVER as a family. 

I'm so blessed to be your mommy. You continue to inspire and change lives even though you don't even live on this earth. 

You. Are. Remarkable. 

You. Are. So. Loved. 

You. Are. So. Very. Missed. 

I love you all the way to Heaven and back. 

Love, 

Mommy

We went to visit you on your 2 years in Heaven date. Cash misses you so very much. He still talks about you. Lila has to have a connection with you. We have a picture of you that she can reach and she likes to carry you all over the house. 

Have I told you that you are missed and you are so loved?

Bigger

I've struggled so much with the saying "Everything happens for a reason". Or "God took your baby because He needed another angel". Really anything that blames God for taking my baby. 

When Jovi died, I was inundated with scriptures. Scriptures that said only good would happen to me if I followed Christ. Wait, wasn't I following Him? Didn't my baby just die? Or that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Or there is a season for everything. So, there is a season for my baby dying? I didn't get it. None of it made sense. People gave me these scriptures thinking they'd make me feel so much better about Jovi's death. They didn't. 

I've recently been thinking more about this. Thinking about God and where He is in all of this. And I have drawn my own conclusions about God and His love for me. 

Christ loves me. He loves me. He loves me in a way I could never imagine. I look at the way I love my own children and God loves me even more than that. It boggles my mind, really. The love He has for me is out of this world. The mercy He has for me is indescribable. The forgiveness He has for me is incredible. So, this loving God, one who loves me in a way that's even more than the way I love my very own babies, He took my baby from me? I don't think so. And I can't think so. 

The way I see it, no matter what my child did, I would love him/her. My children are disciplined. They have punishments. But, despite any terrible, horrible thing they did, I couldn't/wouldn't ever punish them

in the way of taking their baby. I wouldn't beat them. I wouldn't drag them down. I wouldn't want to ever cause them intense, heartbreaking, horrendous grief. Grief and heartbreak that would follow them their entire lives. I wouldn't. And God loves me more than that. 

I don't believe Jovi was taken to teach me a lesson. I don't believe Jovi was taken to teach someone else or one million someone else's a lesson. I believe that Jovi died because we live in a messed up world. We live in a cruel world where some really horrible crap happens. Life is so unfair. And I believe she died simply because of the messed up, cruel world we live in. 

But, I do believe that my God is bigger than the messed up, cruel, and horribleness this world can have. My life turned black and white when Jovi died. It had no color. And God brought color to my black and white. He is bigger than death. My God is good. My God is loving. My God is kind and gentle. He's peace. He brought good out of something so awful because He is better and bigger than this life. He was able to take something so horrendous and make good things come out of it. 

God didn't take my baby. He didn't cause my heart to break. He didn't turn my life upside down. He brought me color. He brought me joy where I never thought I'd see it again. He brought me good. 

God is good. 

God is love.

 God is gentle.

God never promised it'd be easy, but He did promise He'd always be there. Things can happen for no reason at all, but He has the power to bring color to your black and white. He is bigger than death and bigger than this world. He will always let His light shine through. And for that light, I'm more thankful than I could ever say. 

She turns 1!

Lila June turned 1! And what a celebration we had! 

LJ- words can never explain what you've done for my heart. Words could never explain the sheer joy you've brought to our home. You love life. I know God sent you down to be a smiley, happy little lady to fill our home with many more smiles and much more happiness. The year has been hard. I've had times I thought you had died and I can't begin to explain the heartache and stress that was/is. It was worth every second of stress, though. 

You walk! You are walking all about. I'm so surprised considering you were so lazy. 

You talk! You say ball, baby, and mama. You had lots of ear infections and just got a set of tubes (talk about stress). All these words came after they were put in, so I'm so glad we did them! 

You laugh! Your laugh is the best sound. 

You smile! You love life. I say it all the time. You are filled with joy. Always smiling and always happy. You do everything in a BIG way. Not just chubby big ;) 

I can't wait for millions of more days, memories, and milestones with you. 

It's days like these that I remember I am blessed. 

Cash is 5!

How can it be?!

It seems like he was born just yestersay. 

Cash Elliot- I'll never be able to tell you how you saved me. How you made me continue to laugh and how you kept me going through the darkest time of my life. You are my little man of the house. Tonight, you opened my door and put my seatbelt on! What a gentleman! You contine to make me laugh. You continue to make me more patient. You are my favorite boy. 

You've completed preK this year. You didn't like crafts because they made your arms too tired. You like snack time (no surprise) and being line leader. 

You took swim class.

You love taking selfies. 

You can ride your bike without training wheels. 

You rode the BIG roller coaster at the local theme park. I don't know anyone who was more excited to FINALLY reach 42 in. 

You became a big brother again. Lila has been just as good for you as she has for me. You pray over her often to live. You love to help her walk. You love to make her laugh. 

You love to make anyone laugh. You tell some good stories. You told a friend that we dropped our dog off in the forest then drove away. Not true. We did give her to friends and she was left at a house... Not the woods. 

You decided you didn't need to sleep with Jovi bear anymore. She slept in your closet a few nights and then you gave her to Lila. You, on your own, decided you were big enough to sleep without her. This made me want to cry. Not only because you are getting so big, but because I think it was your way of moving on. You haven't forgotten, but knew it was time. 

I can't even write down all the awesome stuff you've done this year. I love you, monkey. So much. I can't imagine life without you. I pray for you to live another day every night. And I am still thankful to hear your feet walking down to my room... Even if it is at 4:30 am. 

Life Goes On

I want to get better at posting on here and better at showing life can keep going after it falls apart. It can be rebuilt. You will find a new normal. You will smile again. It will never be the same. You will measure life in pre-fall apart and post-fall apart. In my case, pre-Jovi and post-Jovi. I, sometimes, long for my pre-Jovi life back. I was so blissfully happy and blissfully unaware that my life was going to drastically change. Ignorance can be truly bliss. I see how happy, immature, and young I look in pictures before she died and I barely recognize that person. I am happy now. But, it's very different.  

I am forever changed by Jovi's life. I'm forever changed by Jovi's death. And while I long to, sometimes, go back to life before she died, I realize who I've become. I realize how I am a totally different person. I'm wiser. More mature. More serious. I take nothing for granted. I enjoy the smallest things thoroughly.

 I love stronger. 

I live harder. 

Life does keep going and while I forever wish my baby was here to love and hold, I realize I can never get her back. So, I have to embrace the life I've been given. Embrace the path that was chosen for me. And as cliche as it sounds, live this life to the fullest. 

Sweet Jovi

Jovi baby,

Tonight I sit here thinking about the person I've become because of you. I can't believe what you've done for me. All my babies are amazing blessings, but, you little lady, are something special. You are one of a kind.

You taught me so many things while you were here. You taught me so many lessons while you were still in my arms. It was times that you were here that you started to make me strong. You taught me that I can do so much on my own and you started building strength in my core. You've since continued to teach me strength in your death. More strength than I really ever wanted to know, but you have. You are amazing, baby.

You taught me life isn't perfect. Before you, I used to think everything was perfect and if it wasn't, I would never say. If money was tight or if you daddy and I were in an argument or if I got a ticket... I would never say those things... because it wasn't perfect. You taught me life isn't perfect and that's okay. Despite striving and doing everything in your power to do something, it sometimes doesn't work. And it isn't my fault. Sometimes, life is just entirely shitty and imperfect, and it's no ones fault. Do you remember when your brother knocked you over in your carseat in the cart at the store? One of my favorite memories of you now with you and your brother... but at the time, I was so embarrassed! But, life is imperfect. I am imperfect. When you died, I really realized how unfair, imperfect, and awful life can really be. And, I survived. I became more okay with imperfection.

Which leads me to being vulnerable. Never did I share emotion. Never did I show if I was sad or hurting or mad. You taught me emotions are okay; you taught me emotions are good. It's okay to share my struggles. It's okay to admit defeat. It's okay to have a shitty day. It's okay to be depressed. It's okay to feel fear and be terrified. You've taught me to be real. Vulnerable. Real. Share who I am with the world and not be afraid of how it responds. Do you see how remarkable you are?

Most importantly , you saved my soul. You made me love Jesus more than I ever realized possible. You made me strive to live for Him. You made me see Him in my everyday life. You brought Him into our home in so, so many ways. I could never say thank you enough for this. You, my dear, are the beyond incredible.

You continue to change me and impact me. You continue to do good. While I wish every day that you were still here, I see the impact you have made in your short life. I see you continuing to do good. I see God continuing to make the best out of the sheer awfulness of your absence. You are so good. God is so good.

You  are missed every second of the day. Your sister is starting to walk and I can only think of the best of friends you would be. You are an amazing big sister and I promise to keep you alive in our home, in your sister and your brother's lives. Your brother still talks about you. And how he misses you.

Will you visit me in a dream soon? I'm missing you so much. I'd love to snuggle you even just for a moment. You are remarkable and I continue to be blown away by the impact you've made in my life and of so many around me. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

Love,
Mommy

Success

Jovi's birthday was a huge success. 

I'm still speechless. I'm still in awe of the amount of people who participated in  honoring her and her life. I haven't blogged because I don't have any words to explain the day. It was amazing. It was wonderful. It was filled with celebrating her life. Jovi love was spread all over the world. Parts of the entire world were able to experience some of the good Jovi has brought my life. It was incredible. Over a thousand people committed to doing something kind for someone else in honor of her. I was even interviewed for the news... I'm telling you... Amazing!

I still wished she was here. I still wished she was blowing out candles on her birthday cake. I wish I could hear her shriek for delight when seeing her presents. I wish I could see her eyes light up when she sees her cake. I wish I could see her sweet little expression while we sing her birthday song. I wish I could see her smothered in frosting. Oh how I wish.... Oh... Oh how I wish. 

But, this year, I realized that those wishes won't bring her back. No matter how hard I try, it won't happen. A depressing realization, but, healthy all at the same time. 

Two years ago, she was here; she was full of life. How my life has changed...

Jovi Sloan- I have no doubt that you were watching your big day. I have no doubt that somehow you had a hand it in. Like how people found heart-shaped items or how Auntie Erika's donation thank you card said "I love you right to the moon and back". You have made an impact. You've changed lives. You've inspired. I'm so proud of you, baby. I can't wait to tell you in person. I am so proud of you and proud to call you my baby. You've done so much in your short life. 

You inspire me. You make me better. I hope to inspire as many people as you have. Thank you for being so awesome. Thank you for being my baby. 

I know you were smiling watching the day unfold. I can see you sitting on Jesus's lap... Looking down... And you both smiling, watching the good you've created in the world. You, my little lady, have made the world a better place.

I love you, Jovi girl, to Heaven and back. 

Love, 

Mommy

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially those who belong to the family of believers." 

-Galations 6:9