Pulled

I can't believe I am going on two Christmas's without my baby.

Where has the time gone? And to think I have many more Christmas's that I have to spend without my complete family, is heartbreaking.

I, often, feel so pulled in being a mom to kids here and one in Heaven. I want to be an advocate for SIDS and do so much for our local SIDS program. I want to get tons of darling decorations for Jovi's grave... I want to spend more time at Jovi's grave... I want to spend more time thinking about her... I want to blog more... But, then I have to stop and remind myself that she isn't here. As sucky and so crappy as it is, Jovi is not here. Jovi is okay. Jovi is amazing. Jovi is happy. And Jovi knows I love her regardless of what I'm doing. Jovi knows I think about her as I drive the car.  Jovi knows I think about her when I give her siblings a bath and she isn't in there... Jovi knows. I don't have to prove my love to her with fancy decor and hours of volunteering. I, also, have to remind myself that I have two young kids who need me here. Two, on Earth, who need fed... bathed... played with... it's just not my season to be a huge advocate at this time. As much as I want to... I have to remind myself that it's, sometimes, not my season. I have years to volunteer. Years to help newly bereaved families... But, I do feel so pulled between the two... Heaven and Earth.

I'm thinking of making this blog more, too, about letters to Jovi. Letters about what we have been doing and being able to show other families that life can and does continue on... despite a very broken heart. We still smile. We still laugh. We still love... and I want to show that. I want this as an avenue for the sad and so hard days, too.  But, I want to show the good days. The lighter days that are filled with joy.

Jovi Sloan- I miss you more today than I did yesterday. I miss you when your brother and sister wake up and I miss you when I put them to bed. I see so much of you in them and wonder so much about what life could/should be like. I can't imagine who you would be right now or what you would look like. You'd be so big!! My mind can't even comprehend what my 20 month old baby would look like... I'd give anything just for a glimpse of you. I miss you every second of everyday. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.