Life

I, often, focus so much on Jovi's death rather than life. I, often, focus so much on how our life has been or how we've felt or what has happened since Jovi died and I don't remember that she lived. While she lived, she brought us so much joy. And through her life, she made us into a lot of new people. Her life should be thought of more than her death. She was such a joy. The easiest baby ever. So very sweet. She was my little snuggle bug. She loved being held (while her brother never did). These last few days I've realized that she taught me so much while she was here. She made us all into something different, new and better when she was born.

Jovi made us feel complete as a family. We, often, said how content we were with our two kids. She came into our family and she fit right in. We had always said we wanted more, but when she came along, we were suddenly content. Content with our life. Content with our family. Happy.

Jovi made me the mommy of a little girl. What woman doesn't dream of having a little girl someday? I always visioned myself having all boys... but I always wanted a girl. God gave me Jovi and I was so excited to get the chance to be a mommy of a girl. I looked forward to dressing her up and putting together different combinations of outfits (complete from headbands to shoes) every day. You could already tell her sweet demeanor and content personality was much different from her brother's... even as a baby. I always felt so lucky... so blessed to have her.

Jovi made her daddy into a "daddy's girl". Daniel still says all the time how much more gentle he was with her. How he was so gentle changing her diaper and he never felt like that with Cash... or how he was so much more gentle getting her dressed. She never cried, because we never let her. He was quick to pick her up, too. He'd say he never knew how he was going to discipline her because she was just so sweet. She had her daddy wrapped around her finger... I don't think he ever thought a little girl could do that. But she did. She came and made her daddy gentle.

Jovi made Cash a big brother. And my oh my, was he a good big brother. He loved her. He never was mean to her or ever directed any jealousy or anger toward her. He asked about her all the time. Always asking where she was if she was napping... always keeping tabs on where his baby was. Jovi came and made her brother loving. It was so fun to see them interact. She was just getting to where she'd giggle at him... she loved watching Cash. He'd sing her songs and she'd love it. She loved her big brother and he equally loved her just as much.

Jovi made me strong. Daniel was working out of town when she was born. She had a lot of weird issues she did. So many of which I handled all by myself. I used to think I couldn't do things by myself. But, after ER visits, doctor visits, studies, hospital stays... all by myself, she taught me I could. She taught me I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for. She made me strong.

She taught me so much more about God and she made us incorporate Him more in all of our lives now than ever before. Jovi brought God into our home. Every. Single. Day.

I'm so grateful for her. I'm so thankful for her. I'm so thankful for her life.

Jovi girl- you were so good. You were the easiest baby even though you were terrifying. I cherish every single snuggle we had... I am so thankful for YOU and for everything you taught me. I love you so much, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

Stressed.

Super annoying. I've posted two videos on the last two posts and they show up on the computer, but not my phone. Huh. So if any of you just see large blank spaces, there should be a video there.

Anyways- as the weeks are really starting to count down to when Lila arrives, the stress and anxiety feels like it's in full swing.

I just realized the other day that when Lila comes, the time I have "with" Jovi... thinking about Jovi... and grieving Jovi is going to be less. This has caused me to not only feel guilty but worry that grieving will be set aside when a new baby arrives. Our normal routine has kept me going the last nine months, and I know it's going to have to change. That is scary and stressful. I, also, want to be sure that grieving and feelings for my baby in Heaven aren't shoved under the rug only to come up months or years later and they are a hundred times worse than they would have been if not stuffed... I've spent so much time working on myself... working on my heart... processing Jovi and everything that's happened.... It's crazy to think that I won't have that time anymore. Hopefully, the time I've spent grieving will prepare me for having time that I don't "have" to everyday... at the same time... I know I will still grieve Jovi. Lila isn't going to come in and miraculously make everything better. She won't make us move on. She's still and forever will be my baby and now, is going to be a big sister. I just read a friends blog post on their new baby she's having and said she will never get just one picture of all her kids together. That thought is so, so sad. And so heartbreaking. No one should ever have include a picture of a grave to capture all of their children. Ugh. Anyways- it's heartbreaking to think my grieving time during the day is going to be hit... and it's hard not to feel guilty. Granted, I know Jovi can't be mad... or feel she is getting pushed out... Or that we don't continue to include her in our family and our babies. She will always be a part of this family. Always. She will always continue to teach us all things even though she is in Heaven... even if she's never met her sibling.

It's, also, stressful worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong with Lila. I, for the most part, have felt pretty good. I have prayed and prayed over this baby and trust in God that she is going to be okay. She is going to live. She is going to cry. I'm going to get to hold my living, breathing, crying, heart-beating baby. I will. But, there are times when I'm grappled with fear that she won't be... and I there are times, I literally have to remind myself she is going to live... not going to die. My sweet Jovi died in her bed... what any parent would think is one of the most safe places for their baby. She was sleeping. She just died with no warning and no reason. I realize that babies are not resilient. Because mine just died. It's hard to remember that's not going to happen. She's going to live. Then, I find myself feeling entirely guilty for not trusting in God and for not having faith. Then, I'm wrapped with fear and more guilt... I'm trying so very hard to remind myself I'm human. I'm not going to be strong all the time. God is LOVE. A compassionate God. He understands how I feel. He has to realize what I've been through... And that helps. The closer I get to seeing Lila, the more anticipation I feel. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to hold her. I feel more attached to her at this point than I have the other kids and that is scary, too. Thankfully, I have some compassionate OBs and some compassionate pediatricians who understand my fears no matter how illogical they seem to be. We started non-stress tests last week and they have been helpful in easing my mind. They've, also, been relaxing... and so fun to hear Lila's heartbeating strong and going up and down with her movements. I've enjoyed them. I don't think I'll even get sick of them even though they are 2x's a week. Lila's room is almost finished. I'm wanting to post pictures of the difference of the rooms... the transformation from Jovi's room to Lila's room. It was so very hard. But, it was so healing. It really was. I have enjoyed walking by now and seeing all her little things in her  room... all ready for a new baby. We put some of Jovi's stuff from her room in Lila's room, too. It's sweet seeing her things in her baby sister's room.

My mantra the next few weeks is just going to be "Everything's going to be alright".

I can do this.

Jovi Sloan- I continue to miss you more than words can say. Your sister will never take your place. You will always be our second baby... our first girl. You are just going to be a big sister. We will always include you in our family... we will NEVER forget you. I love you sooo much, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a further." Jeremiah 29:11

From Where You Are

I miss you... And I wish you were here.

I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back.

9 LONG Months...

How has it been 9 entire months since I've seen your face? I feel like time has flown by the last few months and we've suddenly hit 9 months without you. I don't know how we've done it... How've we've continued on this long. I think about you every. single. day. And numerous times a day. It's crazy how you can be gone for what feels like so long but then I can remember life with you so clearly still... like it was yesterday. The missing never gets any easier... maybe it gets even worse as I get farther and farther away from having been with you. Life is still so different.

We had to celebrate our first holiday without you that we celebrated with you last year. Easter was so very sad. People kept reminding me it was such a hopeful day... which it definitely is. Jesus rose again... He came and died for us. The sacrifice God made means more to me now that it ever has before. How can you send your one and only Son for the sake of millions of others? Some of which will never get what a sacrifice you made... I can't even comprehend it... Anyways, it is a day of HOPE. But, I still struggled. The day was still hard. We took you an Easter basket to your grave. I didn't even get you one last year. I took your first basket to you and you are gone. It was so sad and so hard. I didn't get to dress you up like I did last year. Last year, you wore the most beautiful dress. It was the first time I took you to church and showed you off to everyone. This year, it felt like the breath was knocked out of me as I walked into church. Life is so much more different this year than last year. I didn't have my sweet girl with me. I didn't get to dress her up. I didn't get to show her off. You did get to celebrate in Heaven. I can't imagine the celebration... I'm sure it was incredible. Know I thought about you all day long. That you should have been toddling around during the Easter hunt collecting eggs... You should have been allowed to eat some candy... would it have been some of your first? You should have just been with our family. You, Jovi girl, were so very missed by so many.

I was reading in my devotional today that when suffering hits, God gives you the strength to get through. It hit the nail on the head to what I keep saying... we are only getting through because of God. He's came in and carried me when I couldn't walk. He's continued to never leave our side. He's continued to supply what we need. God has definitely given us the strength to keep going when it felt impossible. I'm so thankful... I could never have done this on my own. Ever.

Jovi girl- you are missed so much. I looked at all the Easter dresses in the store and thought of you. Wondering what one I would have picked... probably some super girly ruffly pink one... I miss you so much. So very much. Our family continues to talk about you and you continue to impact us even though you are in Heaven now. You continue to shine light in our lives. I talk about you all the time. And all the memories we were blessed to have with you. I love you SO much, little girl, to Heaven and back.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened... and I will give you rest." 

Aaron Shust- Come to me

Good.

There are days that feel impossible.

Then, days where it feels easier... where I realize my life is still very blessed and very good.

And I have days, where I can see this face and just smile... feeling so very thankful for every moment I held her, for every second I snuggled her, and for every time I kissed her sweet face.

We ALL miss you so very much, baby girl.

I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31