When it comes to being forced to go through the loss of a baby, it is for sure. Not only do you lose your baby and the entire emotions and issues that come from losing your own baby, but suddenly you are launched into this world of "baby loss". It's real. Babies die every day. Every. Single. Day. You suddenly are forced to read real stories and connect with real people who have been through what you have or very similar. I find comfort in others feeling like me... but it's all so very sad... and so very stressful. You suddenly are forced to realize babies don't make it to term. Babies die in utero. Babies die when they are being born... Babies die after they are born... Kids just die. You are forced to read about cardiomyopathy, meningitits, cord strangulation, genetic disorders... Everything is suddenly real. Very real. I have found that being pregnant I've had to take a step back from the baby loss world. Not reading a lot of baby loss sites I used to or even being part of groups on Facebook. Those sites make me doubt. And doubting makes me worry. Worrying makes me not have faith. I'm choosing to have faith with this pregnancy... I'm choosing to have faith in Cash's life... I'm just choosing to have faith in God. That He does do what is best for me... There is a much bigger plan to my life. And that plan is GOOD. I believe that with all my heart. So I've said goodbye to being part of many of the groups I was part of... because it's just causing way too much stress. I was, recently, asked how we were able to even consider another baby and how I wasn't terrified. My only answer is that I have faith. I have faith in God and really (we've learned) that's all we have in this life that is guaranteed. We have a God who loves us. We have a God who cares for us. We have a God who is GOOD. I've only gotten to where I am today because of faith. I've said it before, but I just had to say it again.
Jovi girl- You are missed sooo very much. I remember so much about you. Your life is constantly on my mind and constantly talked about... you brought every single person around you joy while you were here. You still bring me joy even though you are in Heaven. I miss you more everyday... I love you to Heaven and back!
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| "I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. " Psalm 52:8-9 |
Reading your posts bring me back to our months after losing Ayden and conceiving another child while grieving (which is unfathomable for people who haven't lost a child - and it's even unfathomable to me, and we lived it.) I can relate so much to your words and where you stand on everything. I, too, had to remove myself from the negative because it's enough to drive anyone crazy let alone a mother who has last one child and is anticipating the birth of another. It's scary enough as it is without everything else added in. I admire your strength and your faith. That is also what got me through. Focusing on LIFE and the life of this unborn child versus the alternative. And living with hope. Hope is what has gotten me through and just trusting God through it all - good and bad. Easier said than done, but He has rewarded us greatly for our faith amidst the tragedy. I'm so glad you have faith and heaven-minded perspective - that is truly what gets me through each day. Knowing I'm not separate from my child forever gives me the strength to push through each day because at the end of it all - there's a baby boy I'm going to be reunited with. And now, as my focus has to shift to my living children as well, my purpose is to not only be with Ayden again - because that is promised and a done deal - it is also to get myself, my husband, and our kids living in a way that will get us there as well. It's refreshing to know someone else shares the same perspective. :) Continuing to read, pray, and honor Jovi's memory. :)
ReplyDeleteEverything you write is so beautiful and I am so happy that I can talk and admire your strength. You couldn't have said it better about having faith. I truly believe that having faith is the only reason that I am still making it though my everyday life. Otherwise I really don't think I would be getting out of my bed everyday. God walks us through any storm in life. My pastor had a wonderful service on Sunday about the storms in our lives and we shouldn't question God why but to ask him what he can do for us to help us through our storms. I truly think that is something that I need to work on to better my faith in Him. We need our faith now more than ever. Thank you for being you and being strong for your precious Jovi.
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