Tonight.

It's night like tonight that  I just miss you. I wish I could talk about you and how you had a runny nose or talk about how you were just doing this or have your daddy call and say you were being difficult while I was out with friends. I wish I could come home after a mom's night out and kiss your sweet face while you are sleeping in your crib... Ugh. I miss you so much. I'll always miss you. I do know we have another sweet girl coming and I will get some of the things back that I've lost or missed out on with you, but she will never replace you. I'll forever miss you and forever miss your face and forever wish you were here. That I could come home and kiss three kids goodnight instead of two... But that's not the case for me... I will just continue sending a million kisses and snuggles to Heaven and praying its someone's job up there to give them to you. There's just so many nights I wonder why us?

Your great-grandpa recently passed away. I can only imagine how excited you were to see a familiar face walk into Heaven. Were you one of the first to greet him? What have you guys been doing? There's something amazing about the fact that he was just here... I just told him I love him and touched him on Monday and by Wednesday, he was in Heaven. I was just with him and now he is with you. I hope he gave you a big hug from me and you were able to feel just a little bit of your mommy... that he took just a little bit of me to Heaven and you could feel me just a little bit. Having another family member die was hard. Is hard... I feel so much for my gma... for my uncle (he is my step-grandpa, but has always been my grandpa since before I was born). I know what they are going to go through... I know the nightmare that death brings. I know. So, I cried so much knowing that they have to do this, too. Then, I found myself crying because he got to go to Heaven. This statement makes many people cringe, and I rarely do say it because many think it's so morbid, but I think of Heaven, often, and I can't wait to get there. Are you kidding?! A life with Jesus?! A life free from the suffering on Earth?! Seeing and being with Jovi and the rest of my family... FOREVER!? Who wouldn't want to go? I felt jealous because he got to see her first... before me. And I cried for that, too. Please no one worry. I have a great life here. I have an amazing husband, a precious boy, and a sweet little baby girl who need me (and many more family and friends). I am not going anywhere or will not do anything, but I'd be lying if I didn't think about going to Heaven and think about the day I get to get there. The minute Jovi went to Heaven- a big part of me went, too. So, I'm just living here with part of me somewhere else... but someday I'll get to be whole again. And I can't wait for that. But, Jovi, I know you greeted Great-Gpa John with the sweetest hug and grin. I know he had to be happy to see you, too. Maybe he's showing you the campfire shuffle and teaching you how to whistle like the birds. It's just comforting to know that someone... someone you know and met on this earth is with you, now. I'm wondering how the service will be... same place and pastor as yours... I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I know I can do it and I'll be fine. I've gone to church there numerous times since you died and heard the pastor speak numerous times, so I'd imagine it can't be too terrible.

I miss you more than words could ever describe. I wish tonight I could just walk into your room, pick you up and rock you while you were sleeping. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you"
I'll Carry You- Selah

Happy Birthday!

Jovi! Happy birthday (a little late on your blog)! Of course, we sent you birthday wishes on the real day. I still can't believe you would be 11 months... and that your first birthday is just around the corner. I got the March Parent's magazine in the mail the other day... it had an entire section about planning your baby's first birthday. Needless to say, that was heartbreaking. How I wish you were here... how I wish I was busily planning your big ole' girly first birthday bash... I wish you could have eaten cake. Would you have loved it?! I hate that I can't think of what you'd look like... that to me you'll forever be a 16 week old baby. My 16 weeker... but you'll never surpass that age in looks in my eyes. What have you been up to in Heaven lately? I'm sure you are having lots of fun. We sent balloons up to you and your angel friend, Owen, the other day. Did you get them?

I miss you so very much and of course, can't wait for the day I get to come and see that pretty face and sweet lil smile. You are missed more than I could ever say... I love you to Heaven and back.

"I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths."
Psalm 30:1



Ignorance is Bliss.

When it comes to being forced to go through the loss of a baby, it is for sure. Not only do you lose your baby and the entire emotions and issues that come from losing your own baby, but suddenly you are launched into this world of "baby loss". It's real. Babies die every day. Every. Single. Day. You suddenly are forced to read real stories and connect with real people who have been through what you have or very similar. I find comfort in others feeling like me... but it's all so very sad... and so very stressful. You suddenly are forced to realize babies don't make it to term. Babies die in utero. Babies die when they are being born... Babies die after they are born... Kids just die. You are forced to read about cardiomyopathy, meningitits, cord strangulation, genetic disorders... Everything is suddenly real. Very real. I have found that being pregnant I've had to take a step back from the baby loss world. Not reading a lot of baby loss sites I used to or even being part of groups on Facebook. Those sites make me doubt. And doubting makes me worry. Worrying makes me not have faith. I'm choosing to have faith with this pregnancy... I'm choosing to have faith in Cash's life... I'm just choosing to have faith in God. That He does do what is best for me... There is a much bigger plan to my life. And that plan is GOOD. I believe that with all my heart. So I've said goodbye to being part of many of the groups I was part of... because it's just causing way too much stress. I was, recently, asked how we were able to even consider another baby and how I wasn't terrified. My only answer is that I have faith. I have faith in God and really (we've learned) that's all we have in this life that is guaranteed. We have a God who loves us. We have a God who cares for us. We have a God who is GOOD. I've only gotten to where I am today because of faith. I've said it before, but I just had to say it again.

Jovi girl- You are missed sooo very much. I remember so much about you. Your life is constantly on my mind and constantly talked about... you brought every single person around you joy while you were here. You still bring me joy even though you are in Heaven. I miss you more everyday... I love you to Heaven and back!

"I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. " Psalm 52:8-9

Seven Months

How have I not seen those pretty blue eyes in seven whole months???

Six months was a doozy. It proved to be one of the harder months. One of the harder months to live without my baby. I find myself feeling so sad that I can't for the life of me even think of what she'd look like now or that I have to live seven months without her and didn't even get to live seven months with her. It's all so unfair. This last month I've been pushed pretty hard. I've survived yet another baby shower. One filled with babies and a baby with the name Jovi. I came out and survived. It was hard... but I did it. We (well, Daniel) painted over Jovi's room. Yet, another hard thing. But, I survived this, too. Jovi's room had everything taken down long before we painted. But, painting over her room... changing it so it was no longer hers... hit me harder than I thought. It's getting so much better now, though. To see the colors on the wall... to see it almost done... to prepare for Jovi's sister. It's looking so much better. 

I think, all in all, six months just seems like an eternity to live without your baby which is why I was hit hard. Seven months was still difficult. The tenth is still hard... a day filled with tension and sadness behind everything we do (much of our life these days, just even more...). We visited Jovi at her grave. Cleaned it up from all the Christmas stuff. We put out her Valentine decor. Two little hearts on sticks and a pink bear that Cash picked out for her. We are trying to make it better for him there... we need to start taking a balloon. He loves to give balloons to Jovi. He hates the cemetery... because we always cry. This time he asked Daniel why he was crying... Daniel explained... then Cash said, "Maybe you could try to stop crying on the way home...". I don't want her grave to be scary for him or to be somewhere he doesn't want to go ever... We've gotta work on something. I think the balloon will be helpful... 

Jovi baby- you are missed so very much. I wonder all the time about the baby you would be... Life is still so very sad without you, but we are trying hard to find the joy. And we've even found some. We find ourselves smiling and laughing. I know you love that... Know you are missed every second of everyday... How's Heaven right now? What are you doing? I love you so much, Jovi Sloan, to Heaven and back. 

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me." 

Psalm 13: 5-6

Better.

Last week was hard. One of the very most hardest weeks in a very long time. The baby shower took me out for a bit. Just seeing what I was missing was so very difficult. It took days to recover.

Then, we started painting Lila's room... painting over Jovi's room. I didn't think this was going to be difficult. I thought that it would be fine... I had already taken everything down... and put away all of Jovi's clothes. Wrong. It was hard. Sad... Sad it's no longer Jovi's room. Very sad it's no longer Jovi's room. We started painting just the day after the shower... I think it was all just tooo mmmuuuccchhhh at one time.

Then, I was a crying mess for days. And stressed out. I was super worried I was going to stress myself into preterm labor.... it was just a lot of days full of stress, crying, and learning to have faith, yet again.

But, I'm happy to say I'm back again. I've climbed out of the pit and am back to my new "normal" self. I am trusting God that everything will work for us... for Cash... for sweet Lila... and that He will keep my Jovi safe until I can get back to her. It's finally better. Lighter. Until the next fall... but getting up is always better than falling down. And, I always appreciate feeling lighter way more than I did before.

We have 17 weeks left until we welcome a new baby girl into our lives and while I know the time will be good for us (so much to prepare for her both mentally and physically around the house), but I'm getting so excited to see her. Who will she look like? Jovi? Cash? A whole new baby? This little Lila has to be the most anticipated baby we've had. Not that we didn't want the other two... there is just something that seems so much more special about her. Even my husband has said he can't wait until she is born... I don't recall the sheer excitement in his voice with the other two. This makes it sound like Jovi and Cash weren't ancipated or we didn't long for their arrival, we did! So much! There is just something special about getting another chance...

Jovi baby- You are still so very missed. It is so sad to see all the babies around your age (whose mommies I was pregnant with) and they are getting ready to celebrate first birthdays... taking first birthday pictures... I still find it incredibly unfair that we have to take you gifts to your grave... that we have to visit you at a grave at all. But, somedays it does feel lighter. Somedays I have so much hope about seeing you... and that you are okay. You miss your mommy and you can't wait for me to get to you, but I know you are okay. And that does help... Other days I'm just dying to get to Heaven. Each day I miss you just the same.... make any sense? I can't wait to see your smiling face! Will you have teeth? Will you be big or small? Will you have black hair or blonde hair?! I think about you every single day... every single hour of every day. I miss you so very much. Can I just say it again- I can't WAIT until I get to see you and hold you and play with you. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will enjoy the light."
Job 33:28