Expecting

We are expecting Baby Preston #3 in June!

I've been wanting to blog about this for awhile... but a few reasons have kept me from doing so... I wanted to be sure to get past the first trimester. I feel like half the world doesn't know what to say to us, so I thought I'd keep this mum for the first twelve weeks. Most of our friends and family know our good news. I, also, don't care what people think... but, I still don't want to hear anyone's comments about this being too soon or we are moving on... or whatever lovely comments some people come up with. We are so very excited and this baby was very much thought about and prayed for... I just don't want to hear crappy comments. When your baby has died, then feel free to tell me what you think.

I'm currently 16 weeks. We had a peek ultrasound on Wednesday. Baby looks like a girl! In my heart of hearts, I'm so very happy. I feel like this baby will NEVER replace Jovi. She'll never make us forget. We aren't moving on. Jovi will FOREVER remain part of our family. She will always be our second baby and first girl. This baby will, though, bring back a lot of joy to our house that left when Jovi left. This baby will help us with healing. This baby girl will, even, be a glimpse into what we could have had with Jovi. This baby won't be thought of as Jovi, but we will be able to have a baby girl who lives.

I'm learning so much about faith... yet again. Baby isn't even here, yet and I feel like I've had many prayers to God about faith and have already had to rely so much in faith that everything will go well. I can't imagine how it will be when baby comes... I, truthfully, just don't think of that. If I go anywhere near, I get panicked and scared. I am just living in today. Enjoying this baby now and the tiny flutters I'm beginning to feel.

I wish, now, I would have blogged about how I felt in the beginning. A big reason I've been writing is to, hopefully, be able to help other mommies in the future. I know when we first found out, we didn't really talk about it. I didn't really think about the baby. I struggled with this baby vs Jovi and how this baby wouldn't be here if Jovi was still alive. I had to realize that I didn't choose what happened to me. I didn't make the choice between baby and Jovi... I was given this. We are making the very best of our situation. We are doing our best to continue to survive and enjoy life. We are doing our best to give Cash a normal life... which includes siblings on Earth for him to play with. So, I absolutely know I struggled and didn't think about the baby too much. I remember feeling so scared in the beginning. Just feeling so vulnerable... I still feel vulnerable now, but that feeling has faded.

Thankfully, by the time we were able to find out baby's gender, I had thought long and hard about this baby. I had processed a lot of that struggle I had in the first few months. I am getting so much more excited and I have moments where I am so elated to bring another baby home. Finding out she was a girl was so good. We all were feeling girl. Cash, included. Cash can only talk about a sister. We didn't tell him about the baby until 12 weeks, so for the last 4 weeks, he's been talking to my belly saying, "Hi, sister!". We tried telling him that baby could be a boy... but he was very much in love with the idea of having a sister. I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy he gets to enjoy another sweet baby girl. I, honestly, just feel so entirely blessed we've been given another chance. I had felt like I had lost my one and only chance to experience a daughter. I did get an amazing experience. I had the most amazing time with Jovi and the 16 weeks we spent with her were the best. She is SUCH a blessing in our lives and I know we wouldn't trade any of those moments in for anything. When she died, I felt like we'd lost our shot. We lost our baby girl and all the hopes and dreams we had for her... were just gone in an instant. It feels like we get some of those dreams back. This baby won't be Jovi... but we get to be blessed with another shot. Another chance to experience pink, bows, daddy's girl, mommy-daughter shopping dates, ballet recitals, boyfriends (oh boy!), weddings, first grandbabies from our baby girl.... I know some of those are so far off, but they are things you want to experience with your babies. I feel just so, so, so blessed for another shot. I do feel like a girl will be scarier. A girl will bring up more memories and emotions just because of Jovi.... but, I do think a girl will be so good for our family. I know Jovi isn't sad. I know Jovi can't feel replaced. I know Jovi would want us to continue living... Not moving on... Not forgetting... Not replacing... but continuing to live and enjoy the joys life has to offer. We are trying so hard. A friend mentioned how sweet it was to think Jovi could have just been with this baby... that they met in Heaven. I love that thought. I can only imagine Jovi is looking down on us... smiling... happy to be a big sister! We are all very blessed to have a direct lifeline to Heaven....

It has definitely been a mix of emotions from the minute we found out this baby was on the way. But, mostly, it's already been so good. We are looking forward to a whole new life. We are looking forward to baby snuggles and baby cries. I can't wait to even be woken up at night again... I can't wait to tell baby about Jovi. I can't wait to tell her what an amazing big sister she has... I can't wait to share all our memories with Jovi... Just everything about her big sister.

Jovi- I know you don't feel replaced. I know you are happy. I know you are watching us and happy to see we are trying so hard to continue on without someone so important. I hope you know how much I miss you. I hope you get each and every snuggle and kiss I send to Heaven. I hope you know at every family event we've gone to without you, I've thought all about what it'd be like if you were there. You will always have a spot in my heart. It will never be filled or replaced. I will always tell your siblings about you and your amazing smile and those pretty blue eyes. Your sweet personality, your sweet little voice... and just how much you loved to be held. What's going in Heaven today? I can't wait to hear about how Jesus's birthday is in Heaven... I can't believe you are experiencing it before me. I love you soooooooo very much, to Heaven and back.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love." Romans 8:38