Expecting

We are expecting Baby Preston #3 in June!

I've been wanting to blog about this for awhile... but a few reasons have kept me from doing so... I wanted to be sure to get past the first trimester. I feel like half the world doesn't know what to say to us, so I thought I'd keep this mum for the first twelve weeks. Most of our friends and family know our good news. I, also, don't care what people think... but, I still don't want to hear anyone's comments about this being too soon or we are moving on... or whatever lovely comments some people come up with. We are so very excited and this baby was very much thought about and prayed for... I just don't want to hear crappy comments. When your baby has died, then feel free to tell me what you think.

I'm currently 16 weeks. We had a peek ultrasound on Wednesday. Baby looks like a girl! In my heart of hearts, I'm so very happy. I feel like this baby will NEVER replace Jovi. She'll never make us forget. We aren't moving on. Jovi will FOREVER remain part of our family. She will always be our second baby and first girl. This baby will, though, bring back a lot of joy to our house that left when Jovi left. This baby will help us with healing. This baby girl will, even, be a glimpse into what we could have had with Jovi. This baby won't be thought of as Jovi, but we will be able to have a baby girl who lives.

I'm learning so much about faith... yet again. Baby isn't even here, yet and I feel like I've had many prayers to God about faith and have already had to rely so much in faith that everything will go well. I can't imagine how it will be when baby comes... I, truthfully, just don't think of that. If I go anywhere near, I get panicked and scared. I am just living in today. Enjoying this baby now and the tiny flutters I'm beginning to feel.

I wish, now, I would have blogged about how I felt in the beginning. A big reason I've been writing is to, hopefully, be able to help other mommies in the future. I know when we first found out, we didn't really talk about it. I didn't really think about the baby. I struggled with this baby vs Jovi and how this baby wouldn't be here if Jovi was still alive. I had to realize that I didn't choose what happened to me. I didn't make the choice between baby and Jovi... I was given this. We are making the very best of our situation. We are doing our best to continue to survive and enjoy life. We are doing our best to give Cash a normal life... which includes siblings on Earth for him to play with. So, I absolutely know I struggled and didn't think about the baby too much. I remember feeling so scared in the beginning. Just feeling so vulnerable... I still feel vulnerable now, but that feeling has faded.

Thankfully, by the time we were able to find out baby's gender, I had thought long and hard about this baby. I had processed a lot of that struggle I had in the first few months. I am getting so much more excited and I have moments where I am so elated to bring another baby home. Finding out she was a girl was so good. We all were feeling girl. Cash, included. Cash can only talk about a sister. We didn't tell him about the baby until 12 weeks, so for the last 4 weeks, he's been talking to my belly saying, "Hi, sister!". We tried telling him that baby could be a boy... but he was very much in love with the idea of having a sister. I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy he gets to enjoy another sweet baby girl. I, honestly, just feel so entirely blessed we've been given another chance. I had felt like I had lost my one and only chance to experience a daughter. I did get an amazing experience. I had the most amazing time with Jovi and the 16 weeks we spent with her were the best. She is SUCH a blessing in our lives and I know we wouldn't trade any of those moments in for anything. When she died, I felt like we'd lost our shot. We lost our baby girl and all the hopes and dreams we had for her... were just gone in an instant. It feels like we get some of those dreams back. This baby won't be Jovi... but we get to be blessed with another shot. Another chance to experience pink, bows, daddy's girl, mommy-daughter shopping dates, ballet recitals, boyfriends (oh boy!), weddings, first grandbabies from our baby girl.... I know some of those are so far off, but they are things you want to experience with your babies. I feel just so, so, so blessed for another shot. I do feel like a girl will be scarier. A girl will bring up more memories and emotions just because of Jovi.... but, I do think a girl will be so good for our family. I know Jovi isn't sad. I know Jovi can't feel replaced. I know Jovi would want us to continue living... Not moving on... Not forgetting... Not replacing... but continuing to live and enjoy the joys life has to offer. We are trying so hard. A friend mentioned how sweet it was to think Jovi could have just been with this baby... that they met in Heaven. I love that thought. I can only imagine Jovi is looking down on us... smiling... happy to be a big sister! We are all very blessed to have a direct lifeline to Heaven....

It has definitely been a mix of emotions from the minute we found out this baby was on the way. But, mostly, it's already been so good. We are looking forward to a whole new life. We are looking forward to baby snuggles and baby cries. I can't wait to even be woken up at night again... I can't wait to tell baby about Jovi. I can't wait to tell her what an amazing big sister she has... I can't wait to share all our memories with Jovi... Just everything about her big sister.

Jovi- I know you don't feel replaced. I know you are happy. I know you are watching us and happy to see we are trying so hard to continue on without someone so important. I hope you know how much I miss you. I hope you get each and every snuggle and kiss I send to Heaven. I hope you know at every family event we've gone to without you, I've thought all about what it'd be like if you were there. You will always have a spot in my heart. It will never be filled or replaced. I will always tell your siblings about you and your amazing smile and those pretty blue eyes. Your sweet personality, your sweet little voice... and just how much you loved to be held. What's going in Heaven today? I can't wait to hear about how Jesus's birthday is in Heaven... I can't believe you are experiencing it before me. I love you soooooooo very much, to Heaven and back.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love." Romans 8:38

I. Heart. You.

Jovi girl- did you know you saved two (that's right TWO) babies lives? We got your heart valve donation letter in the mail this last weekend. You save two babies. Your aortic valve was sent to New York and your pulmonary valve was sent to California. How many poeple can say their babies saved lives? I can... and as hard and sad as it is, it feels to good to be able to say my baby saved two babies. My baby saved two families from having to experience what we've had to experience. You continue to make me proud even though you are in Heaven. I will have to say that I hope these babies change the world. I hope at least one set of parents contacts us. I'd love to hear how they are doing... I'd love to see a baby who is living because of you... who is living with a piece of you.

I miss you more than words can say. Life continues to be so very sad without you. We are learning to find joy in your absence. We know you'd want that. I love you sunshine, to Heaven and back.

SIDS

I hate SIDS. I know this is a statement everyone can agree with, but let me explain my reasons.

SIDS took my daughter. SIDS made it so Jovi is no longer here.

SIDS is so broad. In fact, if you want to get technical- Jovi's autosy diagnosis isn't "sudden infant death syndrome". Jovi's autopsy diagnosis is "sudden unexplained death in an infant". So, technically Jovi didn't even die from SIDS. But, yet everyone still deems it as SIDS... so much easier to say than she just suddenly died for no explanation as an infant. Most ME's (medical examiners) are leaning towards Jovi's cause of death or  SUID (sudden unexplained infant death). I've, also, read articles saying that it's looking like the SIDS stats are going down, but that's just because of the new cause of death change. Of course, "SIDS" will go down if it's no longer classified as SIDS but as SUID or SUDI (sorry for all the acronyms).

I hate that people think SIDS is actually preventable. If you successfully follow steps 1, 2, and 3 then your baby will survive. Incorrect. I hate that people think if your baby dies of SIDS then somehow you did something wrong. Incorrect. I, often, find myself wanting to explain and say we were good parents. We didn't smoke around our baby. To be even more honest, she was NEVER around cigarette smoke. Our baby had NOTHING in her bed when she died. Our baby slept with a fan. Our baby slept with an AngelCare monitor. Our baby was breastfed. Our baby didn't have a blanket on. Our baby was wearing just a simple sleeveless onesie when she died. She couldn't have gotten too hot. Our baby was well-cared for... Our baby did sleep on her tummy... we were instructed by medical professionals NOT to sleep our baby on her back. She side-slept (while being swaddled) until she could roll. I, then, decided a baby who could roll onto her belly needed her arms so I took her swaddle away. We did everything we could to keep her alive. I hate that there is this philosophy that it is actually preventable. It isn't... babies have been known to die in parents arms (while parents are awake), in hospitals, in swings, in bouncy chairs... where there were ZERO suffocation hazards. I, strongly, believe that SIDS has more to it than safe sleeping. I do believe in putting your baby down safely. I do believe in doing everything you can to keep your baby safe sleeping, but I still think that sometimes that isn't enough.

I hate that we have no reason for our babies death. When the detective came to our house, his exact words were, "there are no signs of suffocation". Her autopsy results saying UNEXPLAINED death. We have nothing. Our baby just died... no reason why. I hate that. I like reason. I like to know why. But, this is something I'll (most likely) never know. I have no reason to lean on... I have no way to prevent in the future. I know, first hand, that sometimes regardless what you do your baby doesn't survive. I can't wait to get to Heaven and see the entire picture... I can't wait to see God's entire picture and entire story.

Jovi baby- you are missed so much. Your stocking is hung for you. It was sad to hang that up and have you not be here to enjoy it. I don't doubt you can see it and know we are still honoring and remembering you. What are you doing this minute in Heaven? Will you come stop by for a visit in a dream of mine soon? I miss you SOOOO much. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

We didn't forget you in our family pictures.

"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the Heavens- what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave- what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea." Job 11: 7-9

5 Months

Holy cow. Where has the time gone? How has it already been five months since I've seen your pretty blue eyes.... No matter how much time passes, the fact that you are gone still just seems so entirely unfair. I never knew I could just miss someone so, so much.

We've been hanging in there during this holiday season. Mostly, I'd love to just sleep it away or pretend it wasn't happening. I'm so thankful for Cash. He continues to force us to continue on as normally as possible... as I'd love to skip out on numerous activities this season, I can't for his sake. I know it's good for me, too. I don't think skipping things now is a good set up for future holidays. We have to keep going. We have to keep trying.

We got a beautiful ornament and picture frame engraved with Jovi's footprints. Cash saw them and asked if they were Jovi's feet. I told him they were. He said they made him sad. Then, asked about why she was in the ground. Then, so sadly said, "She doesn't even poop in her diaper, anymore.". All I could think of was the smallest things make me so sad, too. I didn't think I'd ever miss changing diapers, but I do. It breaks my heart he has to live this, too. Just like we crave Jovi back in our house so much, so does he. She left a huge impact on all of us...

My work party was this weekend. A co-worker asked, "Are the kids with your mom?". The simplest of statements... and yet, it stung so much. She realized later what she said and was sure to mention she meant Cash. I know she meant nothing by it and the fact she remembered I DO have two kids is nice. But, it was still so very hard to swallow. I cried all the way home because I didn't get to go pick up my baby who was too little to spend the night at my parents house. How I just wish things would have been different for us...

I feel God in my life so much more now than I ever have before. My faith in Him has grown so much. I can see Him everywhere. Part of that has to be because I've relied and trusted on Him more than ever... and part of it has to be because a piece of me is already with Him in Heaven. I know I say it all the time, but I'm so thankful for faith. I'd be lost thinking this is the end.... this is by no means the end. Thank you, Jesus.

Oh, Jovi. I could never say how much I miss you. I never before knew I could miss someone this much. Everything we've been doing, I think of how it'd be if you were here. You are always missed. You are always thought about. I just miss you. I just miss you soooo soooo soooo very much. Do you remember how you loved to snuggle? You were the best baby. You never cried as long as you were in someone's arms... You wouldn't last long in your swing or laying on the floor. You just loved to be held... and I loved it! I finally got a snuggler! I miss you more than words could ever describe, baby. I love you to Heaven and back.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 

2012

2012 has been a year... I find myself saying how much I want the year to be over and how much I want 2013 to be a fresh start for our family. Obviously, this is the year Jovi died. A few weeks ago, my gpa had a stroke. Last week, my other gpa didn't get great news regarding his lung cancer and had to have some different procedures done. It was after the last gpa's news came in that I decided I very much disliked the year 2012. Recently, though, I've realized how can I hate this year? Yes, 2012 is when I lost my baby.... but 2012 is when I got my baby, too. Jovi was born this year. This year is the only time we had with Jovi. Jovi was only here in 2012. As I've realized this, it makes me want to hold onto this year for as long as possible. As soon as we enter the next year, this year we had with Jovi is gone. We will be in an entirely different year and she won't be there. Because 2012 is the year Jovi arrived, I love it. While this has all been so entirely difficult on us and while we have days we wonder how we can survive without our baby, we'd still do it all over again for the same (or even less) amount of time with her. So, here's to 2012... for bringing me the sweetest baby girl and for giving me some of my most favorite and cherished memories.

Jovi baby, I miss you so much. As our Christmas tree is set up in our living room, I can't help but think you should be here crawling over to it and taking off all the ornaments. You should be coming to all the family events. You will not be forgotten this Christmas. I bet Heaven is going to be amazing. I can't imagine what the celebration for Jesus's birthday will be like! I can't believe my sweet girl gets to witness it before I do. I send you kisses every single day and hope you receive all of them. Do you remember that one day Finney threw up? Your daddy handed you over to me and you had an explosive diaper (he didn't know) all the way up your back and all over Daddy's pants? Your daddy and I could only just laugh... and decide who was cleaning what. :) I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33