I have so many wishes since we lost our baby. I wish, first (obviously), that she was here. There are still days that I just sit and wonder why this was our fate. Why us? We're good parents. Good people. Why did she die? But, I get pretty much nowhere with those questions. I have no answers. I find myself wondering so often why my baby died. I was watching "Beethoven" with Cash the other day. Beethoven saved the little girl from the pool and all I could think was "Why does she get to live?". I know the statistics. I know rarely babies just die. I know this doesn't happen to many statistically. But, once it does happen, the statistic seems huge. We had a less than 1% chance of this happening to us. Less than 1% (.01%-.05% to be somewhat exact) and it still happened. Suddenly, statistics seem huge. Suddenly even 1% seems like a huge statistic. I wish I didn't know. I wish I never
knew babies could just die. I can't say how vulnerable I feel after everything we've gone through. How suddenly it seems everything is going to happen. How suddenly a super small percentage feels HUGE. How I still breathe a sigh of relief when I see Cash's smiling face after he's been sleeping. I never care anymore if he wakes me up at 6:30 am... at least he still woke up. I've been doing so much better at not checking on him 100x's in a night, but I'm still so thankful when he does wake up. I wish I just never had to experience this. I wish I didn't hold babies now and have to wonder and be sure they are still breathing. Ugh. I wish life hadn't taken this turn.
We miss you so much Jovi girl. I wish so much I could see you playing with Cash. Life is so much harder without you. Memories of you continue to fill my mind each day. I can't wait to see you. I'm so curious to what you've been up to... I've been sending lots of kisses up to you. I sure hope you are receiving every single one. I love you to Heaven and back.
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| "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40: 1-3 |
I can only imagine what you are going through. I know I too ask why us a lot too especially as my should be due date arrives. Thinking of you. Have you joined any type of support group? I am going to my first meeting in a few weeks. Although I wish to be meeting the women in the group under different circumstances, I am looking forward to talking to others who can relate. ((((Hugs))))
ReplyDeleteHi Molly,
ReplyDeleteI totally get the "worry" thing. I have had a much harder time letting our boys out of our sight since Brynna passed away. We have been shown, in no uncertain terms, that our time here on Earth is not guaranteed and that makes us want to huddle under our covers and keep our boys "safe". My husband and I wrestle all the time with trying our best to live a "normal" life, and keeping the boys under our wings where it's "safer". It's a process, I guess...
Thinking of your family always, and wishing peace for your broken hearts.
Laura
Hi Molly,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to leave a comment to say that Jovi is so beautiful! I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I feel the same way about statistics. My son had an extremely rare complication and it's awful knowing I am one of those statistics you never think you'll be.
Also, my son's name is Gabriel Sloan and he died just 9 days after your sweet Jovi <3
Sending lots of love...
~Catherine