A Journal for Jovi: Run for the Angels

The SIDS run was yesterday. I was dreading it. I was so sad that I had to go to run a run to honor my dead baby. I didn't want to go. People kept asking me if I was excited... I wasn't at all. It made me sick to my stomach even thinking about going. But, of course I went for you, Jovi girl. It turned out so much better than I thought. I made (with the help of Nana, some great-gma's and an auntie) rosettes for everyone to wear who ran for you. It was so fun seeing your face on everyone. You had a great turnout. So many people love you. It was so great to be able to get out with everyone to honor and remember you (and all the other local babies lost to SIDS). It was so much better than I imagined. I could talk about you all day, so it's nice to get a day to even just celebrate you. You are so loved. I know you had to be watching. Did you get the balloons we sent to you? Cash was so cute after the run. In the car he said, "I won the whole race!". He was very proud of himself and so excited to have a race number! Nana and Papa threw a BBQ after... it was all in all a good day remembering you. We felt so blessed and loved by everyone who came to honor you. We can't say how much it meant to us.

I've been fixated on you and SIDS lately. Thinking how you were not by any means the classic SIDS baby who had no symptoms then just died. You had so many symptoms... at 4 days of age, you started this weird vomitting thing where you would have a HUGE throw up then stop breathing. You'd usually recover well. Sometimes you'd just turn a dusky color. Sometimes purple... sometimes you'd get a hoarse voice. One time you entirely stopped breathing and we had to call 911. You continued these barfs till at least three months. They were only occasionally... but they were always terrifying. These barfs is why we were instructed to sleep you on you side. Once you could roll from your side to your tummy, we took the swaddler off and the sleep positioner out to make your bed safe. You never slept on your back. You wouldn't. I, also, witnessed numerous of these big barfs in your bed and can only imagine they wouldn't have gone over well had you been sleeping flat on your back. You had terrible reflux. You did a high pitched breathing noise all the time. You dropped from the 90% percentile in weight (at 2 months) to the 50% percentile (autopsy weight)... you were so scrawny! We do not have scrawny babies in our families! I just can't help but think everything went together. You didn't just die. You didn't die because you were tummy sleeping. You had something in you that couldn't have been working right. You showed us lots of times that things weren't normal. I, so often. wish I would have pushed harder to get a diagnosis for you. But, then I always wonder what if we would have ended up here and known it? We lived our last few months with you happily. Blissfully unaware you were going to die. I'd much rather have it that way then had known your death could happen any day. You've taught me so much. You were the best little girl. Despite your numerous health scares, you were the easiest baby. You never cried. Ever. I love you so much. I enjoyed every second of everyday we spent together. I can't wait to get to you and spend FOREVER together with Jesus. It's going to be amazing. I miss you so much. I know you are doing well and I know you have to be having a blast. You are with the best babysitter ever. I love you to Heaven and back.