Panic.

The guilt doesn't eat at me anymore. The anger doesn't eat me up anymore. I've talked about that recently, but what I forgot to mention was the panicked feeling I still feel since Jovi's death. Nothing could ever explained the sheer pain I felt the day she died. Nothing can ever explain what I felt like hearing her alarm, picking her up, making my phone call to 911, and talking to dispatch. Nothing. I could never describe how awful it was or how entirely panicked I felt. By the time help arrived, I was definitely still very panicked, but didn't have to be the one doing CPR anymore. I didn't have to be the one who tried to save her. The (couldn't have been more than) five minutes until help arrived was so awful. That panic still hits... and hits hard. I'll just be driving and bam.... I'm taken right back to that moment of opening the door and hearing that sound. I can still see that day so clearly. Every image and detail is still very much strong in my head. That panic feeling is so terrible and something I wish upon no one. It definitely comes so randomly. I'm sure with time, it has to get better, but I still feel/remember everything on that dreadful day. Ugh.

Anyways, Jovi- we miss you sooooo much! We went to the park today and there was a little boy toddling around the park. It made me so sad to think that I won't get to see you toddling around at the park. We, also, cleaned up Cash's room. I put a bunch of toys away in the bin of baby toys and remembered that you will never play with those toys. I never even got to pull out one toy out of that bin for you. You are still in so many of my daily thoughts. Your brother misses more than you probably realize. He has talked a lot about you lately. He says he wants us to go to Heaven or that he wants to go to Heaven. I try to explain to him that he can't go to Heaven anytime soon and try to tell him that you are having fun until we get there. We've hung out with some babies and I think that's why the questions are back full force. Poor little guy, even asks, "When we have another baby will she have to go to Heaven, too?"... what three year old should ever have to think of such a thing? He was so good to you. He loves babies soooo much.Your daddy is missing you so much. We all just miss you so much. Life is still so hard without you, but we are learning to live and find joy even without you in our arms. We know we will get to see you. What seems like eons for us is only a blink of an eye for you. It will never be the same without you here. We love you so much.... to Heaven and back.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18