Wishing

I have so many wishes since we lost our baby. I wish, first (obviously), that she was here. There are still days that I just sit and wonder why this was our fate. Why us? We're good parents. Good people. Why did she die? But, I get pretty much nowhere with those questions. I have no answers. I find myself wondering so often why my baby died. I was watching "Beethoven" with Cash the other day. Beethoven saved the little girl from the pool and all I could think was "Why does she get to live?". I know the statistics. I know rarely babies just die. I know this doesn't happen to many statistically. But, once it does happen, the statistic seems huge. We had a less than 1% chance of this happening to us. Less than 1% (.01%-.05% to be somewhat exact) and it still happened. Suddenly, statistics seem huge. Suddenly even 1% seems like a huge statistic. I wish I didn't know. I wish I never knew babies could just die. I can't say how vulnerable I feel after everything we've gone through. How suddenly it seems everything is going to happen. How suddenly a super small percentage feels HUGE. How I still breathe a sigh of relief when I see Cash's smiling face after he's been sleeping. I never care anymore if he wakes me up at 6:30 am... at least he still woke up. I've been doing so much better at not checking on him 100x's in a night, but I'm still so thankful when he does wake up. I wish I just never had to experience this.  I wish I didn't hold babies now and have to wonder and be sure they are still breathing. Ugh. I wish life hadn't taken this turn.

We miss you so much Jovi girl. I wish so much I could see you playing with Cash. Life is so much harder without you. Memories of you continue to fill my mind each day. I can't wait to see you. I'm so curious to what you've been up to... I've been sending lots of kisses up to you. I sure hope you are receiving every single one. I love you to Heaven and back.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40: 1-3

Somedays

I feel like all I ever do is blog about the bad/hard days. I'm sure it's because when it's hard... I'm so much more feeling the need to blog or to just write to Jovi. But, I do have good days. I do have days where breathing feels easier. I do have days where I feel like a smile isn't forced. I do have days where I can, honestly, say I can/will do this. Good days just feel lighter. Easier to live. Easier to breath. Easier to smile.... easier to do everything. It doesn't mean I don't think of her any less. I still think of her all day long, but the thoughts are better. Good days are always very welcomed. It's such a roller coaster. I'll have a good day, then I am back down into a bad day. But, that's okay. It's how this all works. I'll never get over her or move on, so good days/bad days will be a part of the rest of my life. It's amazing how it can still feel so raw at times. Like I am back to the day she died. There are days I wonder if I'm making any steps at all or if I'm still stuck. Stuck where I was over three months ago (already?). But, then I have days that are good. Or days I can pick up a book I stopped reading just weeks after she died. I read the book all the way up until the lady's baby died (baby was found to be incompatible with life while she was pregnant) and couldn't bring myself to read about the funeral or how she survived. All I could relate to was that her baby died at the time and I didn't care about after that at the time. I picked up the book yesterday and have really been liking it. I want to get my hands on everything on how people survived after loss. When months ago, all I did was google stories about other mom's who lost babies. Or only read the baby's story about how/why they died. Now, I'd much rather read life after the baby. How they are living. How they are grieving and what is working for them. I'd say that has to be growth. I've gotta be headed in some good direction however slow it may be.

Cash has been so sweet lately. He's really been talking a lot about Jovi. Asking a lot of questions or simply just saying memories about her. I love it. I love that he brings her up. Today we were playing at a friends house. They have a little baby. I saw Cash looking longingly at the baby boy. Then, he said to the big brother, "My baby is in Heaven.". It was so matter of fact. It had a hint of sadness, but it was so sweet. So innocent. And he brought up and acknowledged he had a sister all on his own. When I first heard it, it made me tear up and want to sob. Heartbroken that he doesn't get to experience Jovi's life and friendship; that he has to have a sister in Heaven. But, later it made me even smile a little bit. He brought her up. He remembered his baby all on his own. I love that.

Jovi girl- we had dinner at Nana and Papa's today. After cleaning up, I was sitting on the couch just thinking how you should/would be sitting and playing with toys. My mind can't even comprehend what you would be like at seven months. I can't wait to see. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face that I can't wait to see you. It still feels so strange living without you. I (we all) miss you more than words can say. You will forever be our baby. You'll forever be the girl who left such a major impact on our hearts and lives. I cherish EVERY single moment I spent with you. Thank you for waking me up at night. I love those extra minutes (sometimes hours) we shared.... I'll forever be grateful. I love you to Heaven and back.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; ;and when you pass through the rivers, they will sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2-3

Time

It still astounds me that time just continues to go by... and goes by so fast. Your 7 month birthday was celebrated in Heaven. You've now had 3 milestones in Heaven. We've gone your entire fourth, your entire fifth, and your entire sixth month without you. I can't for the life of me imagine what you'd be doing or what you'd even look like. I can't wait to get to Heaven and see your face. I sure hope and pray that I get to see you grow up. I know I say it all the time, but I hope more than anything you are a baby and I'll get to watch you grow even if it's so fast. I just want to see you grow. I can't believe life continues on. People forget and time moves on. We are doing our best to keep living, but we will never "move on" and we will never forget you. You will always be a part of our family. I will always and forever think of how life would be if you were here. It's been so interesting in this entire situation to see who has rised together with us. To see who understands that even though time has gone on that I still have moments where it seems impossible to keep going. That my heart still aches for you every single minute of everyday. That my first thought in the morning is you aren't here. There are those who don't remember or those who forget or just don't understand how entirely difficult this is. I can say I haven't been the best with death. I can say I haven't been there for those who have lost. But, if I've learned anything the last few months, I've learned how people want to be treated. So, thank you to all of you who still remember Jovi. Thank you to everyone who hasn't been afraid to be my friend or talk about Jovi. Thank you to everyone who hasn't forgotten. Your random texts or messages mean more to me than I could ever possibly say.  

Jovi- I still miss you all day long. I still think of you all day every day. We went to the pumpkin patch and I couldn't help but cry when we got home. We will never get to take you to the pumpkin patch. The nevers are so hard. I feel so cheated. Another bereaved mom posted about how she feels like she prepared and did everything she could to pass a test and she failed. All those around her were cheating or didn't study and they passed. I can so relate. I think every day of the day I finally get to come to Heaven. I can't wait for you to lead me around Heaven. I can't wait for you to tell me all about Jesus and what you've been doing. I can't wait to enjoy Heaven with you. I miss you so, so, so very much. Life will never be the same. I love you to Heaven and back.

"The righteous pass away; the godly often die before their time. And no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For the godly who die will rest in peace." Isaiah 57: 1-2

"He will wipe away tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21: 4 (I can't wait for this day)

Life As I Know It

Life has been hard lately. The SIDS run last week then a balloon release for Infant/Pregnancy Loss this week. Too many hard events together. I'm so sad I even have to go at all. I didn't really want to go to either event. No one should have to go to an event to honor their baby in Heaven. Ugh. Well, I survived them both, so that's good I guess. Yesterday, I didn't even want to go to the balloon release really. I will always go to honor Jovi, but so wish I just didn't have to go. I'd just much rather her here. But, that isn't an option. Jovi's in Heaven and I was forced to be a bereaved mom. Yuck. I hate it.

I cleaned her carseat out today to give to another mom. It was heartbreaking. It smelled like her and still some of her sweet hair on it. It's done though. I never have to clean it again. All of the laundry was done when Jovi died, so I had absolutely nothing that just smelled like her. Her carseat did, though. It was very hard, but her carseat is such a huge memory to me. She sat in it a lot. She threw up in it a lot. I swear I was always cleaning that thing out. It's sad to see it go, but I'll always remember it. I have lots of pictures of her in it. I'm glad that another mommy/baby can get use out of something that means a lot to me.

While looking for the manual to the carseat, I found all of Jovi's cards from her baby shower. It was so sad to read them all. It was so sad that the last time I read them I had no idea that she was going to die. I was so naive. I hate that I know now that babies just die. I am terrified to bring another baby home. I am so sad we have to know that babies just die. All in all, it's just so, so sad.

I do know I have some peace and comfort that some other parents don't have... I believe SO much in God. I know Jovi is in a better place. I know she is with the very best babysitter... ever. I know she will be okay until I can get to her. I've never in my life felt God so much in my life. I've never in my life contemplated life and death. I've never in my life understood so much the sacrifice God made sending His only son to die for me. I've never in my life needed God like I do now. I'm so thankful for all He has done for me. I'm so thankful that He has given eternal life. That I will get to spend eternity with my family celebrating Jesus. It's pretty great, I'd say. I know I get to see Jovi's sweet face again. My faith is easily the only thing that's getting me through each day... I'm just so thankful.

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered- how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath... and so, Lord, where do I put my hope?  My only hope is in you." Psalm 39: 4-5, 7

3 Months

Three months.... Thirteen weeks since I've seen that sweet face of yours, Jovi. I can't believe it. I can't believe I only have roughly 3 weeks left and then you've been gone longer than you were ever here. I'm heartbroken still. I'm so sad still. While the world moves on, we are still left with the extreme sadness and loss of our baby. Somedays, it's so entirely unfair.

We took family pictures without you. It was so bittersweet. You should have been there instead of us having to use the "J" from your room to include you in our photos. Cash did so good. Did you watch and see him just acting like a big goon?

That's about all I've got today. I miss you more than I could ever say. I love you so much... to Heaven and back.

"Why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.” Acts 1:11
 

Run for the Angels

The SIDS run was yesterday. I was dreading it. I was so sad that I had to go to run a run to honor my dead baby. I didn't want to go. People kept asking me if I was excited... I wasn't at all. It made me sick to my stomach even thinking about going. But, of course I went for you, Jovi girl. It turned out so much better than I thought. I made (with the help of Nana, some great-gma's and an auntie) rosettes for everyone to wear who ran for you. It was so fun seeing your face on everyone. You had a great turnout. So many people love you. It was so great to be able to get out with everyone to honor and remember you (and all the other local babies lost to SIDS). It was so much better than I imagined. I could talk about you all day, so it's nice to get a day to even just celebrate you. You are so loved. I know you had to be watching. Did you get the balloons we sent to you? Cash was so cute after the run. In the car he said, "I won the whole race!". He was very proud of himself and so excited to have a race number! Nana and Papa threw a BBQ after... it was all in all a good day remembering you. We felt so blessed and loved by everyone who came to honor you. We can't say how much it meant to us.

I've been fixated on you and SIDS lately. Thinking how you were not by any means the classic SIDS baby who had no symptoms then just died. You had so many symptoms... at 4 days of age, you started this weird vomitting thing where you would have a HUGE throw up then stop breathing. You'd usually recover well. Sometimes you'd just turn a dusky color. Sometimes purple... sometimes you'd get a hoarse voice. One time you entirely stopped breathing and we had to call 911. You continued these barfs till at least three months. They were only occasionally... but they were always terrifying. These barfs is why we were instructed to sleep you on you side. Once you could roll from your side to your tummy, we took the swaddler off and the sleep positioner out to make your bed safe. You never slept on your back. You wouldn't. I, also, witnessed numerous of these big barfs in your bed and can only imagine they wouldn't have gone over well had you been sleeping flat on your back. You had terrible reflux. You did a high pitched breathing noise all the time. You dropped from the 90% percentile in weight (at 2 months) to the 50% percentile (autopsy weight)... you were so scrawny! We do not have scrawny babies in our families! I just can't help but think everything went together. You didn't just die. You didn't die because you were tummy sleeping. You had something in you that couldn't have been working right. You showed us lots of times that things weren't normal. I, so often. wish I would have pushed harder to get a diagnosis for you. But, then I always wonder what if we would have ended up here and known it? We lived our last few months with you happily. Blissfully unaware you were going to die. I'd much rather have it that way then had known your death could happen any day. You've taught me so much. You were the best little girl. Despite your numerous health scares, you were the easiest baby. You never cried. Ever. I love you so much. I enjoyed every second of everyday we spent together. I can't wait to get to you and spend FOREVER together with Jesus. It's going to be amazing. I miss you so much. I know you are doing well and I know you have to be having a blast. You are with the best babysitter ever. I love you to Heaven and back.



Daddy and Cash

Kathy, Kaleigh, Amanda, Mommy, and Linda

Jessie, Landon, and Logan

Erika and Kaleigh

Megan, Frank, Kevin, and Jessica

Jennifer and Kim

Uncle Justin

Brett and Ada

Uncle Max

Nana, Papa, and Uncle Max

Grandma, Auntie Jo, and Milo

Finney, Chris, and Meredith

Nana and Papa

Lori, Hillary, Lydia, Sadie, and Carla

The Memory Table

Us crossing the finish line

Balloons sent to you

Your family.
All but the last two photos were taken by Melissa for Inland NW Sids Foundation's Run for the Angels 2012

The Peds Floor

Oh Jovi. Your cousin was born today. I wanted to go see her. I braved the hospital not thinking it would be as hard as it was... It hit me like a ton of bricks when I walked onto the Peds floor. Of course, they were put her there. Of course, they were put in the room next to yours when you were born. Of course, they even had your nurse. I had no idea it'd be so hard. It wasn't hard seeing the baby. I am so happy for them. After losing sweet Aliyah, I'm so very happy for them. I am so happy they get to have life back in their house. But, the hospital was so hard. I walked right pass the room where you were admitted when you had your fever. All I can think of is this isn't fair. I should have my almost 7 month old baby. I shouldn't feel like I can't breathe when I walk on that floor. I should have you in my arms. I miss you more than I can say. I miss you every minute of everyday. I love you to Heaven and back.

Jovi was admitted for a fever at 5 weeks of age... I thought that was hard...

Panic.

The guilt doesn't eat at me anymore. The anger doesn't eat me up anymore. I've talked about that recently, but what I forgot to mention was the panicked feeling I still feel since Jovi's death. Nothing could ever explained the sheer pain I felt the day she died. Nothing can ever explain what I felt like hearing her alarm, picking her up, making my phone call to 911, and talking to dispatch. Nothing. I could never describe how awful it was or how entirely panicked I felt. By the time help arrived, I was definitely still very panicked, but didn't have to be the one doing CPR anymore. I didn't have to be the one who tried to save her. The (couldn't have been more than) five minutes until help arrived was so awful. That panic still hits... and hits hard. I'll just be driving and bam.... I'm taken right back to that moment of opening the door and hearing that sound. I can still see that day so clearly. Every image and detail is still very much strong in my head. That panic feeling is so terrible and something I wish upon no one. It definitely comes so randomly. I'm sure with time, it has to get better, but I still feel/remember everything on that dreadful day. Ugh.

Anyways, Jovi- we miss you sooooo much! We went to the park today and there was a little boy toddling around the park. It made me so sad to think that I won't get to see you toddling around at the park. We, also, cleaned up Cash's room. I put a bunch of toys away in the bin of baby toys and remembered that you will never play with those toys. I never even got to pull out one toy out of that bin for you. You are still in so many of my daily thoughts. Your brother misses more than you probably realize. He has talked a lot about you lately. He says he wants us to go to Heaven or that he wants to go to Heaven. I try to explain to him that he can't go to Heaven anytime soon and try to tell him that you are having fun until we get there. We've hung out with some babies and I think that's why the questions are back full force. Poor little guy, even asks, "When we have another baby will she have to go to Heaven, too?"... what three year old should ever have to think of such a thing? He was so good to you. He loves babies soooo much.Your daddy is missing you so much. We all just miss you so much. Life is still so hard without you, but we are learning to live and find joy even without you in our arms. We know we will get to see you. What seems like eons for us is only a blink of an eye for you. It will never be the same without you here. We love you so much.... to Heaven and back.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18