Sad.

Oh, grief. It pretty much sucks to say the least. There really isn't any way to sum up what this feels like... super sucky, sh*tty, the worst thing ever.... nothing. I've tried to come up with some adequate way of explaing what if feels like to lose a baby, but I really just can't do it.

For me- it's been so difficult. I stayed in the "what if's" or "if only's" for the first entire month. They were so hard. The guilt was so heavy. I felt like there was still some hope she could come back. If only I'd woken her up sooner plagued me daily... all day long. I felt so guilty for the way I laid her down. I've worked through the guilt, mostly. Of course, it still flares up from time to time but not near was often as it did in the beginning. I was the best mom I could be to Jovi. I did everything I could for her and I don't doubt that anymore.

The anger set in after that... I remember so often being just so ticked off. So mad this had happened to us. So mad that moms who neglected their babies still had them. So mad any mom still had their baby in general. So mad at doctors for not saving her. So mad that she didn't have certain tests done when she was alive. So mad at myself. Mad that God allowed this to happen to my family. Eventually, I worked through most of that... We all did the best we could with Jovi, doctors very much included. I still can't say why she died. But, I don't think God violently/madly took her away from me. So when the anger left (mostly, of course)...

I was left with just extreme sadness. At the end of the day, my baby is still dead. At the beginning of every day, my baby is still dead. Every day, Jovi is still dead. It's so hard. It's so sad. The hope that she will come back is gone. I don't have anyone to be directly angry at anymore. I'm just so sad. Some moments are just so entirely hard.

I still have hope for our future. My life with Jovi was headed one direction and the day she died it shot in an entirely different direction then I had planned. I do believe our life will still be good. Our new path isn't doomed forever (although, I feel so vulnerable now). I pray, hope, and am trying so hard to have faith, that we will continue an amazing life despite the death of our baby.  But, I'm still very sad. I miss her so much. I, so often, think of her. She's still my first thought in the morning and the first at night. It's amazing how such a short time with her left such a huge impact on my (our) life. I do feel so entirely blessed for every single moment I spent with her and am so thankful for all the memories. I'd do this all over again even if we only were allowed the same amount of time together.

I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back.

Jovi's favorite apple toy

Just going for walk in June

Jovi LOVED her snuggle wrap

Missing You

I met your cousin today. He's 3 1/2 months. You should have been there to meet him, too.

I am missing you so much. A stranger sent me a letter stating she had a vision that babies stay babies when they go to Heaven so that when their mommies and daddies come to Heaven, they still get to see their babies grow up in Heaven time. I sure hope this is true. I want to see you grow. I'm sure when I get there I won't be disappointed in any piece of Jesus, Heaven, or you. I'll just be so happy to be there. I'll just think that it's true while I'm here away from you. I love you, baby girl, to Heaven and back.

Report

Your autopsy report came in yesterday.

It states: Sudden Unexplained Death in Infancy. It was so hard to read.

It gave such a good, accurate description of you, though. It talked about your brown hair. It said you had blue eyes and delicate eyelashes. It said you had clean fingernails and red toenail polish. As crappy as it was to read, the external description of you was you. It said you weighed 13lbs 10 oz. Dr. P said that it really should be pretty accurate. Maybe she's just pretending... but I like to think you were roughly that... I weighed you on the scale not long before that and you were only 13 lbs or something along those lines. You were my petite girl. Your brother weighed 16 lbs 2.5 oz at 4 months.

I have been missing you an extra amount these last few days. I've been sending so many wishes and kisses to Heaven. I love you so much, Jovi, to Heaven and back.

Happy Birthday!

You celebrated a birthday yesterday... 6 whole months! I am so sad it wasn't celebrated in my arms. We went and visited you. Did you see us? I sent a lot of kisses up to you yesterday.... I hope you received every single one. I can't for the life of me imagine you as 6 months... You'd be so beautiful and sweet, I'm sure. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

I'll Never...

I try to stay away from the what could of been... to constantly remind myself Jovi wasn't meant to be here or that Jovi was never meant to live past 16 weeks. B0ut, it still is so hard. Sometimes I just have to mourn everything that I've now missed out on... I feel totally cheated out of her life.... out of having a sweet daughter. While I know Jovi is in the best place ever, I still so much wish she was here in my arms... so here goes what I'll never get to see/do with Jovi girl...

I'll never see you with a tooth.
I'll never see you eat real food.
I'll never see you sitting.
I'll never see you standing in your crib.
I'll never see your first step.
I'll never see you run.
I'll never hear your first word.
I'll never see you play at the park.
I'll never take you to your first day of kindergarten.
I'll never see you in a dance class.
I'll never see you play a sport.
I'll never take you to middle school.
I'll never have the mommy/daughter arguments.
I'll never see you drive.
I'll never see you go to prom.
I'll never witness your first date.
I'll never see you graduate.
I'll never see you go to college.
I'll never see you have a job.
I'll never see you walking down the aisle.
I'll never see your babies.
I'll never see you be a mommy.........

These are only a few of what I don't get to experience with you. I was just sitting here typing these out and wrote one that said "I'll never see you pray..." then realized that I do get to see you pray, I bet. I will get to see you worshipping Jesus. The biggest thing ever in life, loving God, I get to see you do. I will get to see you again. The thought of seeing you again is the only thing that keeps me going at times. I can't wait for your smiling face to greet me in Heaven. I can't wait to worship Jesus with you. I miss you so much. I went to the wedding I was worried about taking you to this weekend. Let me just say that I wish so much your smiling face was in the crowd as I walked down the aisle. I missed you being there. Our life will never move on from you. You will never be forgotten. We miss you so much it hurts. We love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back.

I love those cheeks. Sending lots of kisses to Heaven...

2 Months

Yesterday marked two whole months without you. It's been far too long since I've just been able to hold you.

I tried to stay busy in the morning. Took the boys to the bounce house (had our bonus lil guy).  Before that, I had to go through all of Jovi's things to take them to someone who will transport them to Boise. My aunt is going to make us a memory quilt. I can't wait to have all of her clothes and blankets on one quilt and be able to snuggle up in them. It was really hard, but I finished. The boys took a nap. I, of course, read my grief book and devotional. Went to my parents after nap. We went to dinner then my mom and I walked home. All in all it was an okay day. I have had so many down days.... I seem to be climbing back out of the hole and having some much needed up days.

I can't believe Jovi has been gone for two months. It's so frustrating that I have to be away from her... that I have to now have anniversaries for her death rather than life. I hate how her 6 month birthday will be celebrated in Heaven. It's so heartbreaking. It's rather hard. I miss her so much. I think of her all day long. I hate how her age is stuck at 16 weeks.... Babies that were younger than her have now surpassed her in age. Jovi's chart always says "16 weeks". I hate that she never grows up. She's stuck... I hate that I can't imagine her any bigger than 16 weeks... that here on this Earth, I'll always have a 16 week old baby. I hate knowing that seemingly healthy infants/kids can just die. I'm always so relieved to see Cash's smiling face in the morning and after nap. I have held babies since Jovi's death and have a really hard time mostly fearing they are just going to die. It's so hard. All in all, I find this all still so unfair.

I've learned so much in the last two months. It's been the hardest two months of my entire life. I've never imagined my life going this way. I've wondered more in the last few weeks if my life was going to feel dreadful/doomed forever. I started a new book, A Grace Disguised, about a man who lost his wife, mother, and daughter all in an accident. He says life will still be good. That loss really shows you how to live life and shows you what's important vs what's not. It's amazing how God works... just when I'm struggling the most- He always gives me what I need.

Gifts of grace- I've received so many its incredible. I would imagine I had them a lot before Jovi died, but just couldn't see the smallest gifts of grace. Now, I see them everywhere: from my dad being on call, to Dr. P being accidentally called to Jovi's code, to finding a mom who's life is very similar to mine right now, to people sending me the books I need to read, to my devotional being exactly what I needed that day, to people sending me texts/emails/phone calls at the exact time I need it, to Cashy keeping me laughing in some of my heaviest days... I've been given so many gifts of grace through all of this. I am beyond thankful.

I continue to push through grieving... Attempting to work hard at doing it now so that my life will be good in the long run... so that I don't feel like this forever. I can't believe someone who was in your life for such a short time can change it so drastically.

I miss you, Jovi, more than I can ever say. I continue to think about you from the minute I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I will always think about you. I'll always talk about you. I'll always wonder what you'd look like or what you'd be doing if I still had you in my arms. I'll always wonder what you are up to in Heaven. I can't wait to see you. I love you to Heaven and back.

Daniel's Father's Day gift.

New Day

Every new day is hard because it means another day that you've been away from me, but the end of every new day means I'm a day closer to seeing you again.

Here's to being one day closer to seeing your pretty face and to being able to hold you again.

I miss you so much, Joves. I love you to Heaven and back.

One Hard Week

This week was tough. Maybe it was that my first big celebration day without Jovi was coming up, maybe it was that I had to fax releases to the coroner's office (what parent should ever have to call the coroner's office regarding their daughter), maybe it was that I just really miss her... so much. I don't know what it was but these last few days have been really hard. I keep telling myself with so many down days an up day has got to be around the corner.

I've been doing a devotional... it's been really good. Yesterday's topic was interesting. It was about God's discipline... I am a firm believer in God. I believe so much in Him, but I have a hard time with the concept that Jovi was taken by Him for me, or Daniel, or anyone to learn some kind of lesson. I so much believe that God is love... how could He (who loves me so much) take my baby?  I have always believed God didn't take Jovi. Jovi couldn't be saved. For some unknown reason, Jovi died. God didn't save her... but, He gave me everyone and everything I've needed to attempt walking through this. I believe He took and guided her home. I believe He is taking good care of her in Heaven. I believe He's mourning with me and His heart is broken with my broken heart. I have the hardest time believing that Jovi's death was because a lesson needed to be learned. Maybe so... who knows. God sacrificed His son for so many... we get eternal life because of it. I know lives will be saved because of her... it's still so hard. I believe God will turn this horrific event for the good, but I have a hard time accepting that He took her because of His discipline. Maybe I'm missing something major... but my brain just has a hard time grasping that.

I'm praying I get out of this all day sad funk and have a "good" day soon. I know one has to be around the corner... in the mean time- Jovi, I miss you more than ever. I wish you were here. I wish I could have seen your smile on my birthday. I can't begin to say how life isn't even slightly normal without you. I can't wait to see you again. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

I wish I could just pull you out of these pictures... Love you baby girl.

Cash Johnny Cash

My oh my... how this boy has saved me. He makes me get out of bed in the morning. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes life go on. Someday I will have to tell him how he really helped hold his mommy and daddy together. He has kept us going. Some funny things he's said lately...

"Mom, I love girls."

"Mom, pretend your necklace is a spaceship. And it has a really big flame that will burn you."

Me- "Cash, whats your middle name?"
Cash- "Cash Johnny Cash."

He's starting soccer soon, so he got some soccer shoes/soccer socks. He wore the socks for 48 hours straight and the shoes have been worn everywhere... even to the Kroc Center.

Just a little of what Cash has been up to... I wish I wrote everything down that he says. At some of my saddest moments, the things he says still make me laugh. I'm soooo thankful for my Cash Johnny Cash.

Cash is the best big brother...

Some People...

Jovi was born. Jovi died. Please acknowledge that... I hate it more than anything when people don't acknowledge Jovi.... It doesn't take much. A simple "I'm sorry" works wonders and gets it out of the way. People can even say the wrong thing and I still am not near as hurt as when they just ignore her. She happened. She is a huge part of my life. Just because she is gone, doesn't mean we have to pretend she never existed.

I'll never forget you, Joves. I miss you so much I can't even use words to describe it. I love you to Heaven and back.

I'm so thankful for the many photoshoots done on my phone... these expressions (and all the pictures) are priceless.