Day 29

29 days... feels like a million lifetimes since I've kissed those little hands.

What a busy day. I got up and went for a run. I always do better with runs... then I went to work. Work went well. Your pediatrican is amazing... did you know that? She loves you and our family so much. I think she is taking your death hard. I think she is playing the what if game a lot... or the if only's. I wish she wouldn't. She is so good to you and our family and has really made me feel like you are important to her. I missed you today. I cried a little at work. I cried when she said she changed the way she practiced because of you. That means a lot... work was hard, but good. The people there are all so kind. I'm very blessed to work there. Anyway- I then went to lunch with Nana. We talked a lot about you. We always talk a lot about you... Nana is so great. She listens and she loves you so much. We went to Uncle S's and Aunt J's for dinner. It was great. Auntie J and I talked a lot about you and the baby they lost. Are you playing with A? Was she there to greet you in Heaven?

I think today is the first day that I only felt like I couldn't breathe maybe a handful of times (so far). That's a HUGE feat. Huge. In fact, it's hard not to feel guilty. But, I have to remind myself... you'd rather me feel like that then feeling like I can't breathe all day. I am learning. I am learning and trying hard at life without you.

I was talking to Cashy about you tonight. He asked earlier if Jesus could put a baby in mommy's tummy. He misses you so much. I think more than we realized. He loves you so much and is such an incredible big brother. We were talking about you and what you were doing in Heaven. He said you were playing... I asked him if he knew what you like to play with in Heaven? He got sidetracked and said to pretend my necklace was a spaceship and it was going to burn me with its flame... Oh the mind of a 3 year old. He really keeps us moving. He's really saved me. He's made me continue my life and not let it fall to pieces. He has a really special job and he's been doing soooo good at his big job.

I miss you so much. I bet you are smiling as we speak and that makes me smile. Did you send me the pink sunrise this morning? It was beautiful. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back?