Day 20

20 days feels like a million days. 20 days is too long without you.

Today was a really hard morning. If it wasn't for your dad or your brother, I would have stayed in bed all day. I missed you so much this morning. Daddy encouraged me to get up. We went to White Elephant and got a tube for floating the river. We went to Trader Joe's and got some food. We went and saw Dr. P. She is sending Cashy for an EKG/Echo to make sure his heart looks ok. To make sure we didn't miss something with your heart. Nana and I went to Zumba. Then we took Cashy to the beach. All in all, the day ended well for being so hard to begin this morning.

I've been reading a book titled "I'll Carry You". Grandma got it for me. It's about a family who finds out their baby won't live outside the womb. They decide to carry the sweet girl, Audrey, to term. It's all about how she felt while she was pregnant (that's as far as I am). It's been really encouraging as she loves Jesus, too. She says that even now (during such a terrible time) she believes in God. She believes He is God. I would have to say the same. Even now. As my heart hurts more than it EVER has before, I believe He is God. I love Him. He is good. I believe He is caring for you. He is caring for me and for our family. He is healing our hearts. He is mourning with us. He loves us. He loves me more than I can say. God sending His son to die for us has a whole new meaning now that I've lost you. I can't imagine sending my only sweet baby to die for thousands of people. I can't imagine. I'm more than grateful He did... the sacrifice He made means more to me now that it ever has before. Thank you, God. Thank you.

While you are no longer here and I don't get to do the thousands of things I wanted to do with you, I can only hope that Jesus is telling you about me, about your Daddy, and about Cashy. Has He been filling you in? I hope He is telling you how much I loved you. How I held you every second I could. How I was so happy to have a baby girl. How I put headbands in your hair every chance I could. How I thought you were sooooo cute. How I slept with you in my bed at nights for a long time until I read an article that scared me about co-sleeping. How we (me and you) had such an excellent delivery. The day you were born will forever be one of the best days of my life. I hope He is telling you how we (mommy and daddy) met. How we had Cashy. How much your daddy and Cashy loved you... I hope you know you ARE so loved.

I miss you so much. I'm sure I will say that every day and I hope it never gets old. I miss your giggle. I miss your hands. I miss your toes. I miss the way you would cry when you were left in a room alone. I can't wait to see your sweet face. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.